Done.

I fell asleep at 10:30 last night. It is now 7:00. I have been up since 6:00.

This is the final day of a really fucked up, sad year. 

The sheer carnage reaped upon these lands has the earth shivering in their wake. 

I had major ups and downs, and once again had to defend myself and my integrity, to save face among my peers.

I weeded out the weak 'friends' i had, and gave up on feeling like i needed to belong with any peer group or moré. 

I stopped using a life zapping pill, that wasn't letting me live. It only let me exist. 

I gave up on feeling bad about things i have absolutely NO control over. 

People who are peaceful, kind and dutiful will ALWAYS outnumber the bad. Don't let ANYONE sway this fact. The universe is huge and limitless, our love for each other should be the same. 

Our logic as a species is flwaed, and we act like savages, repeating the same benign lie of power over and over, only to achieve the same result. 

It's completely foolish,petty and ignorant. 

I am about halfway through my life cycle, and if it all stopped tomorrow, i'd be pretty proud of the few accomplishments that i've set upon this mortal coil. 

I have a lot of good years ahead of me, and want to focus on becoming more of a so called 'peaceful warrior.' 

It looks so hippyish....peacefull warrior!'

Seriously, though. I have a family to grow with and help protect. My old ways are not unlike the ones i described above: flawed. 

Anxiety, stress, depression. These things can be controlled and fixed. Mine dealings with these were starting to wear me down. Numbing myself had become tiresome as well. 

There is no need for me to lie downand give   in yet, as i if seems i fooled myself into thinking it was time to. 

Goidbye 2015 and all of your haunts. 

Goodbye Lemmy, Leonard, B.B. and Wes. You were all true inspirations. 

Imagine.

Imagine if the vast oil reserves on our planet, were put here by an intergalactic race of aliens.

Imagine if these aliens, only used this once barren planet as some kind of fuel depot, and we grew on it like a fungus. 

Imagine how pissed off they'd be, when they travel here to fuel up, only to find the fuel gone. 

Random pt. ?

I would try veganism, as the health benefits are amazing. It would be a good way to practice discipline, and purpose.

The only problem?

I am allergic to soy and almost every kind of nut. This means that a massive part of the diet would be off limits to me. 

I would like to make music again, and have the equipment to make it happen. I just have trouble making music, with the idea that i am making some sort of product, or trying to 'sell' it so people will hear it. 

It is absurd to create and think you are being original, when you have the selling point in mind. You just ruined the purity of your project by placing a price on it. 

I also refuse to play anything i do live. It is complete bullshit to hold court in front of people and wait for their judgements or accolades!

Why would i practice, spend all of this time preparing, make sure everything is up to my standards, and then...and then put myself in front of people who would rather update their social network postings or talk over my expressions while i am concentrating. 

I would like to leave my job, i would like to be free, enjoy my middle age, and learn. I make really good money and have a boatload of time off. 

The problem?

I have been doing this job for sixteen years and have not moved anywhere in the company. I want more. More responsibility, more space to think and less dealing with the simple warehouse mentality. It's a grind that has finally burned me out. 

At 42, some avenues have been passed, but others are still in front of me.

The question remains: do i have the guts to throw myself into the big '?' And possibly mess up my life, or do i stay the course?