later that night.

so, i went to my first a.a. meeting since 2007.

i'll admit it: i was nervous.

i heated up some coffee and headed out on the arduous trek...next door to my house.
i showed up at the community center and found my seat in the outskirts.
the main tables were already taken by what looked like an established crew.
everyone was pretty cool.

i think the atmosphere was chilled out due to the fact that EVERYONE IN THE PLACE WAS OVER 50!

i couldn't believe it. this was crazy. the folks there were all...older.

how am i supposed to make friends and meet my peers when they and i only have one thing in common: we are alcoholics?

ok. there was one younger woman there. she brought her dog and was text messaging most of the time. next.

i know beggars can't be choosers, and the 70 year old ex marine guy was funny as hell, but i really need to find a few people that i can grow with who won't befriend me, so i can bust my ass hauling their stuff around because they have a bad back.

i'm going to a way more focused meeting next sunday in northampton.
i am hoping that something will pan out.

i have ZERO interest in drinking alcohol, i just want to be around sober people or people who at least don't drink and want
to have fun.
i'm not going to relapse or anything. sobriety and i have become good friends.

i had been reading the damn book for a while and figured that i could get a conversation started or bounce some ideas around.
instead the meeting was very regulated and went by quick.

anyway, i hope everyone had fun today.

i made some killer corned beef and cabbage even though el didn't like the corned beef.

at least she liked the potatoes.

a stiff dose of reality.

as the night progressed i became restless.  twelve thirty rolled around and then one thirty.  terri was late from her night out with the old roller derby girls.

i held my judgement at bay and tried to think about how she doesn't have a drinking problem and also how terri never goes out anymore to unwind.

finally she pulled in at around one forty five in the morning.

i pretended to be asleep.  i didn't want to start a conversation at that hour.  i wanted to fall asleep and think about the morning and getting our daughter from her grandmothers.
terri was extra lovey to our dog and i, and then i went to the bedroom with her and she soon fell asleep.

i was not able to go down so quickly to dreamland, so i ended up watching an episode or two of star trek: tng on my phone.

terri was breathing on me.  she brushed her teeth but it didn't hide the alcohol.  i put up with it.  i put up with it due to the hundreds of time i must've stank like a brewery or distillery when i decided to roll into bed after a night out on my own too.

i wasn't ready for the next day.

terri was severely hung over and was sick.  she didn't drink to excess and paced her self, but was very sluggish and ill.
i had to take care of everything all day.  i had to watch elsie and make dinner and do laundry and drive to the store and all of these things that i needed terri to help me with and she was sick on the couch!

but i didn't complain.

i just shut up and dealt with it.

this one time.

this one fucking time to make up for the thousands of times i was too hungover to be a part of our life together or away from her and elsie because i was still chasing the false promises that the bottle was giving to me at the time.

today sucked tough.  terri and elsie are at the second biggest st patrick's day parade in the state.  i couldn't make it due to the fact that there is going to be way too much booze and drunks around.  i chose not to go because i'd be a judgmental-on guard-bum out and didn't want to ruin anyone's good time.
i had anxieties about being alone.  i had anxieties about terri and elsie going. i'd had anxieties about anxieties and if i've learned one thing it's that sometimes i should read my red flags and know when to stand down.

mostly i am having anxieties about the fact that i have chosen to finally attend an A.A. meeting right next door to my house tonight.  i have been very lonely and want to be around other people like my self.  it's really hard to be around drinkers-even socially- sometimes.

 it's not the booze pressure  i can handle others drinking, it's  the fact that as the evening goes on, the quality of conversation and any progress goes out he window to outright silliness.

i want to participate more in living activities instead of idle activities and i want to reach out tonight to see if other feel the same way.

the only bonus from this is being able to write, and i get to finally see the movie skyfall with the subwoofer on.

kaboom.