we are made of stars.

remember this the next time something mundane is happening to or around you.

Review.

it's the end of another crazy year and i thought i'd cap it off with the usual review of what occurred on my radar.
In no order:
my family: the most important thing to me and the thing that keeps me going. need i say more?
quitting drinking: as hard as it was to climb out of my self imposed exile in the drink, it has been really great since i quit oh so long ago. i don't really miss drinking and have learned a lot since august 11. i'm happy to say that i am in recovery now and not just sober.
coffee: the single best thing around that stimulates and motivates. i am becoming quite the home barista. many methods have been utilized and explored.
reddit.com: the front page of the internet. I became a moderator of a subreddit by default and have had a love hate relationship with reddit since i joined. stay tuned...
cooking: i loved to cook since i moved in with terri. before that i was so so. i received a six quart dutch oven for christmas. it's amazing.
there were also a ton of movies, television programs, compact discs and other distractions that i don't really care to get into. it was a really challenging and yet very rewarding time span, this 2012.

Belief.

We are on the eve of a magical day for some, one of gathering and remembering the solstice for others. Many of faith in a god will gather tonight to celebrate the birth of his mortal son, jesus.
Who is this guy? A prophet? A magician? A conglomerate of pagan and non pagan deities? The first individual whom stuck out from the herd, had a simple but effective plan to bring us all together with love?
I'm going with the latter.
ok, i have zero belief in any gods. this is how i feel and i looked deep and far to come to this conclusion. BUT, i do believe that a person who later became 'jesus' did exist. I think he was a jewish slave who was building the pyramids. he probably didn't dig on how he and his fellow slaves were being treated and started spreading the word. He was killed for it. the end. years later, scholars probably picked up on this story and tried to incorporate it into a tome.
that's what i read anyway.
i can say that i didn't read the bible BUT i'm sure that it is a guide to life with lots of action and brutality. if one was to take the lessons from a bible, they could probably deduce that a) we were pretty harsh to each other and b) you can lead a pretty honest, giving and happy life.
i'm sure that's all this jesus figure/man wanted: for all of us to put aside our differences and evolve into a better society. think of him as the first one to have a utopian vision or something like that.
i have to say that i agree with that. through my recovery, i have been mashing together lots of different ideas and theories to expand upon and discard. i can say that the idea that some guy was trying to unite everyone with love and kindness waaaayyyy back in the day is pretty cool. he must've had a ton of faith in his fellow man to even think of throwing these things around.
anyway, this atheist has to finish wrapping gifts and i have to get ready for visits and such.
Happy winter solstice to all.
Merry Christmas everyone.

unchecked.

once again the severity of someone's mental illness goes unchecked. innocent blood was shed.  sounds like war?  no. this happened in a quiet town in a little state in america.  my shock turned to disgust, when the news came up on my reddit front page.
i was very vocal about the shooting in colorado on the opening night of The Dark Night Rises.  the perp deserved a fate worse than death.  but what would that accomplish?  my hatred would pollute the air, we'd all surround the perp with pitchforks and torches, bent on revenge.

all we would be is as bad as the perp and their crime.

now, let me be clear: mental illness is IN NO WAY justifying what happened on friday.  any rational person knows this. to blame this senseless, heartless crime on the need for more gun control is something i won't touch, but in the case of last friday and this past summer: these were both perps with a history of mental illness.
our society-this american society-only wants winners.  if you are broken or weak, you get stomped.  when someone who is supposedly weak does these heinous things, we all scratch our heads and ask why?
answers will come, over time.
right now is not the time for answers.  turn off the news and focus on something positive.
i am soul crushed to think of these little ones dying in fear or being in pain.
any parent felt the same way yesterday.  we have a maternal/paternal instinct to protect the young.  it's ingrained in our DNA.

i am soul crushed to think of these little ones dying in fear or being in pain. 
i'll leave you with this:  just picture the twenty little ones being led by the six adults holding hands, into a better place, away from this crazy, crazy world.


i'm beginning to not understand this strange, strange place anymore.

helpless.

do you know what really sucks?
it's when someone is down or sliding down a dark path and you cannot do anything about it because of proximity and because of the rule.
what is the rule?
that in a situation like the one i'm in now, having someone control your addictive behavior and try to cure you will not do a damn thing, compared to the person helping themselves and re learning to stand on their own two feet.
it's called empowerment.
it is the driving force and the reason that i am drinking key lime seltzer right now and not ale and whiskey.
the fact that the person in this world that i grew up with almost died and i can't do anything about it, is killing me inside.
the fact that when i talked to him and told him that he should listen to EVERYTHING the doctor's are telling him to do and he was more worried about getting back to work-is killing me.  the fact that  i talked to what seemed like the shell of a man instead of the person i've known and loved my whole life took so much out of me today.
it hasn't been confirmed as to weather his passing out and subsequent seizures were a result of drinking or exhaustion or diet or whatever.
i am not going to pry.  i wrote in my 'empty nest' entry about his last visit and how the booze distanced him from me and the rest of the family, so i'm leaning in the direction of alcohol abuse. BUT I CANNOT DO A THING ABOUT IT.
only he can change who he is.
putting pressure on him will only make things worse.
being sober is a very fickle beast to try and tame.  you are taking a large amount of time being numb and feeling nothing and BAM! it all gets shut down in a day.  the ride is over...now what? this is soul crushing and only the mentally prepared and those who are willing to commit can survive.  how did i do it?  my family. my home.  having this little one around who listens and watches everything i do and say.  i want to be a good example for her and i want to try to make my relationship work and grow with Terri.
i gave up a lot to even be sitting here writing this out.  that feeling that i needed to have every night was replaced by curiosity and pulling in the reins on my crazy thought process.  also letting go of all of these anxieties that when put aside and dropped, weren't mine to carry in the first place.
i found out where i belong and i have a new sense of purpose because of the fact that another life depends upon my actions and the decisions i make now effect more than my self.  very, very powerful stuff when you think about it.
please, if you know my brother, think of him today for a moment.  he's still carrying a heavy load and it broke him.

if there is anyone who deserves a pass, it's him.

sickness.

the little one is sick. she and terri are at the pediatrician. i am here hoping for the best and getting ready for work. speaking of which; i was trained to operate the beast to your left.  it is a Turret Truck as made by the Raymond Corporation.  the thing is 20ft. high and 30ft. long.  it is a pain in the ass to maneuver, but is easy to control.
now i am fully trained in every piece of equipment that my company uses, save the tractor trailers.  it has taken me over thirteen years to accomplish this, so it is a sweet reward for all of the hard work.
elsie caught some sort of cold that has been going around, shook it for the most part, and it came back with a vengeance. the funny thing is, she is only congested when she sleeps and is active when awake, except for some runny nose action.  i was baffled by this from the beginning and that is what gave me cause for alarm.  it's not that we are the kind of parents that hear a sniffle from our kid and rush to the emergency room.  we waited the appropriate three days and her symptoms did not subside.  what a sport though.  she still wanted to have fun last night, even after we used the bulb plunger to clean out her nose.
other than that, i am looking forward to the weekend, as my friend and tenant is celebrating his 33rd birthday tomorrow night, even though today is his birthday.  hmm, today...history is showing that we kept on creeping and creeping more into japan's territory well before pearl harbor.  we were taking island after island and it pissed the Japanese off.  so they had to attack before we really did damage? the verdict is still out on that one. anyway, i know my friend is getting a copy of The Dark Knight Rises on Blueray so he'd better watch it with me, dammit.
other stuff: it's been 118 days today.  i have to try to cut back on my soda consumption as it's giving me a gut.  so much for two liter sundays!