Visuals 11.

endofyeareview.

I do this stuff every year on the blog.

If you are new here: turn around and run.  This place is full of great things, like photos of my daughter.  BUT it's also full of mundane tripe, that my sometimes overzealous imagination can help spiral into over inundated nonsense rabble that i consider intellect.

ANYWAY, i like to offer up the best of what i thought happened this year to myself and those close to me. In no order.

Best read this year:  

Gateways to Abomination By Matthew M. Bartlett 

I am afraid of this anthology.  Still. After three readings.  More, please!

http://www.matthewmbartlett.com/

Best music of this year:

David Lynch: http://davidlynch.com/

Godflesh:  http://www.godflesh.com/

Ghost and Ghost BC: http://www.infestissumam.com/

(sorry grandma)

Best time i had this year:

Elsie was accepted at The Clark School for the Deaf.  Now, she has full hearing.  They accept children for preschool to help integrate with the half hearing and non hearing children.

The price is a bit up there, but Elsie is getting a Montessori curriculum education, which is five days a week.  

http://www.montessoritraining.net/curriculum_materials/preschool_kindergarten_program.htm

The place is magical, to say the least.

Terri's 40th birthday.  You had to be here to see it.

The Sunday walks with Elsie, Terri and Jackson.  Again: magical.

The Smith College Botanical Gardens: http://www.smith.edu/garden/home.html

Returning to offsite:  I work for a major candle company in the valley.  I celebrated 15 years in this company by going back to offsite, which is a smaller yet dutiful division of the company. I became an interim supervisor and have been re integrated into a more one on one atmosphere within my company.  

I am looking forward to many more challenges and surpassing my own initiatives within this environment.

It is better to be a bigger link in a smaller chain, than a smaller link in a bigger chain.

I've been getting up earlier. I have been putting the damn infernal phone away and have looked around at life unfolding around me.  I have escaped the grasp of my own self prescribed asylum and have begun to flourish into my middle age.

And i have my entire family to thank for this.

This post is dedicated to:

Great Aunt Edna.  You will always be in my heart.

Aunt Joan.  I'm sorry we weren't closer.

Uncle Bruce.  Forever the class clown.

.

DANCE!

I am sitting with some other parents, while El is in dance class.

We have been bringing her for at least three months, and it's been great for her.

I bring this up, because there is a subject thst comes up among other parents, here at play group (ours is with parents)

and in any other general area where parental units will congregate and wait.

The subject is: parenting and identity.

I know i'm a parent. I know i have a child. I like to raise my child utilizing many physicsl and mental tools in order to build a healthy and sane human. 

I also know that i am who i am, still, as an individual. The two things enrich each other and yet remain seperate.

Why? 

Sanity. 

Plain and simple. 

I have interests that will hopefully open El's world up. 

At the same time, she may not want to share ANY of these things with me.

Cool.

So:

Other parents. 

I ask you this:

WHY DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO JUST TALK ABOUT BEING A PARENT WITH OTHER PARENTS?!

I don't need to hear about what diaper you use, what your kid does, what a mess everything is or any other inanity that you forced upon your self by thinking 'I'm a parent now. This is what parents do and talk about.'

I don't care how many times your kid saw The Lego Movie, or how she loves 'her' macaroni and cheese.

Tell me about the cool thing you saw, some idea you had, something to let me know that this false indoctrination hasn't killed YOUR inner child or your spirit!

Or don't.

You know what, don't. You're aldreay lost to your own mediocrity and i'll just continue to dream and live instead of exist.

8.

This is: Eight photos in eight hours. Starting with 2:00pm and ending around 10pm. 

I used an iPhone 4 with the 7.2 iOS update. This provided more vivid shots, as these were the first few i took. 

I used the photo editor to crop and enhance the photos. 

These were taken in a functioning, yet aged warehouse. 

Harvest.

Elsie went to dance class again today, she did very well again.  We came home and are some food, watched a movie.

It was rainy all morning but the sun peeked out.  We decided to go to the Harvest Festival at the local park. 

The highlight was the 'train' ride.  We went on the huge slude twice but it started to rain. 

We still had fun and i'm so glad i had time with ger today, because Terri and i are slways very busy. 

RMV

I had to get my license renewed today, as it is my birthday (yay, 41.)

Now, as we all know, this can be a grueling task and can require the patience of a Buddhist monk. 

But today, i was in and out in 12 minutes.

Yes, 12 minutes.

See, you have to fill out a form AND THEN get a ticket to wait for your number to come up.

This is the hardest part. 

Luckily for me, as i was filling out my form, someone had left two tickets on the kiosk table i was using. 

The number called was two away from the number on the ticket.  

I looked at the ticket:

ticket:L136

time: 10:32am

date:10/6/2014

I was in. 

I breezed through and joked  with the worker and was out in 12 minutes.

Do i feel like a winner?

Yes.

Do i feel like i cheated? 

Not in the least bit.

Happy Birthday to me.

Refrain.

Refrain: 

I found out that i am part Swedish this past weekend. Not much, but enough to be a true son of northern darkness:  

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BstHbbpq07s 

Ha! I have a minuscule amount of Swedish in me, but enough to know that 99% of my family has blue eyes. 

tycker du inte?

I also immediately purchased this book: 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CAwQFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2Fgp%2Faw%2Fd%2F1500346721%3Fpc_redir%3D1410499517%26robot_redir%3D1&ei=UmMaVO-3MqzCsATrkYCQBQ&usg=AFQjCNFmWDGDhecjp2A8PsInTccWnIIM4Q&sig2=zIw8IkgNciSv1Yjf9Db7-w

Holy crap, so much link!

Literally the minute i heard of it's release.

A powerhouse. One of the best collections i've read since a Poe anthology. No kidding.  

If Bartlett keeps going with his surreal horror, he will surpass Lovecraft and carve out a grotesque nicé of his own among the greats of the horror genre. 

I have not read such cringe inducing material since Clive Barker's 'Books of Blood.' 

I do find myself reading this twisted tome, mostly in the morning, with a fresh mind. It seems to give me an odd and detached perspective on the day. 

Wow, lost my train of thought. 

Anyway, dad: if you are reading this. Thank you for your ever expanding wisdom and kind words. 

I don't see you enough and elsie doesn't either. 

But that is ok, you have nothing but free time now and you did your bid. 

By the way: Terri and Remy told me you don't look a day over 55. Could it be our Swedish heritage!

Every time we hang out it is a lesson in how to be a better person and how to handle almost anything. I hope my happiness in my life has been an example of the fact that you did the best in raising myself and Jeff. 

So  here was my (slight) refrain. 

wind.

I used to gauge the fall by the time when the students came back or came here. 

I would traverse the traffic, the pointing fingers of the oblivious parents, and the swell of the air as around 50,000 kids flock to the happy valley for a 'higher' education. 

But, this year was different. 

I only noticed the shadows getting longer as the days grew shorter. A stark contrast to a rather bland summer,weather wise at least. 

Let's just admit that this was very mild as far as summers go, shall we?

Again: this year was different. 

I have been more focused on my family and our needs. I have been focused on our life and where we fit in to the whole scheme of things here in the center of the universe.

This world- this big vast world-is made for the young and the adventurous. 

The curious and the bold.

Personally, i am some of these, but most of all, i am a patient observer on the cusp of my middle age. 

Wether this gives me passage to dream, create, absolve or venture again, i hope it is with the same wide eyed magic if having more dreams than reason in this crazy world. 

We live to exist only to exist to live. 

Pinwheel.

    Elsie, 2 years 11months (L)

    Elsie, 97 years (R)

    

This is why i do the best i can each       day. 

For these moments. 

I am the luckiest spud alive. 

nuptials.

Jess (Bandit) and Jeff (The Rev) had their nuptials last weekend, deep in the woods of Quebec. 

Terri and i made it there in the presence of Remy and Pad. 

It was at a maple syrup 'compound.'

I was lucky enough to be the best man (again this year) and was proud to hand out the rings and stand there with my vest friend- even though we are hundreds of miles apart. 

All the best to Bandit and The Rev! 

Surrender.

I give up.

I no longer want to be an adult. 

I just want to be my self. 

With all of my flaws and misgivings, they make me who i am.

I have never fit in with those who follow too many rules.

This used to be my strength, and i've made it my weakness through delusional regret and self loathing. 

But i'm tired of it. I'm too far along to try to fit in. 

So: what do i do?

Make decisions and judgements based on my gut and my wit, as these are my biggest assets. 

My thirties were nice, but besides some aches that don't rebound as fast as i'm used to, i am ready to begin again and really shake some leaves off the tree this time. 

Visuals 10.

Paradigm.

The beginning of the end was when as a species, we decided to make this beautiful earth adapt to us, instead of we adapting to it. 

Let that sink in for a second. 

Visuals 9.

Memo.

I am so out of touch with everything. 

Ok. Stop reading now. 

No. Read on, please. (I put this after writing the next paragraphs.)

My field of vision has narrowed, until everything is seen as a soft blur. 

My heart hangs heavy most of the time. 

I still don't know why. 

My emotions were my only asset when i was young. 

I would act on impulse. I would take advantage of them until i became cold and callous. 

This led me to my own exile more than once in life. 

It is (or was) a constant battle. I have no choice but to participate in life, so i may feel sane and to have purpose. 

I have been known to give all of my heart to the things i loved in the past, and have reaped it's rewards, and have been crippled by it's defeat. 

I have refined many things in my life and i am looking forward to the next phase of my life by teaching what i know, instead of making it up as i went along. 

I guess that was the answer i was looking for. 

And

that's

it. 

 

Cascade.

First pooped out of my head a few days ago. Edited for redundancies on 7/10.

Well, my open minded friends: i crossed a line on thursday, one that i never thought i would.

I ate at Chick-Fil-A. 

Yes, the bad place with the mean CEO who does not agree on any other marriage outside of a man and woman. 

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4980682

Which i personally believe to be wrong. 

So, why did i support their cause?

The simple answer is: i didn't. 

I wanted a chicken sandwich. I also had a Dr Pepper to wash it down. I also noticed they served Hienz ketchup, sugar in the raw, had idaho potatoes.Things i use almost daily. My point is that i'll bet there are TONS of companies employees that share this outdated view of marriage, 

so what impact does one person on this world really have on this matter.

I am not being defeatist. I think i am being realistic. 

Also, there is a fact that this company decided to run a tax generating business in this state, which supports the gay marriage and LGBT community at large. 

So, basically: this state (Ma.) supports gay marriage, Chick-Fil-A pays taxes in this state, presto: they support gay marriage!!!!

Hahahaha!

 

If i wanted to really boycott their decision and not lay down my $8.50 for really good food- served by nice people. 

If i can note:i would basically have to avoid a few other things in my life to compensate for the owner's families disagreement on what is pretty much a point they are losing on every time another state allows fay marriage. 

We want there to be an even field of play, we want there to be a black and white good or bad rank and file of what's right. 

I support gays, gay marriage and LGBT rights unconditionally. 

I know what it's like to be an outcast and how hard it is to get anyone to listen to me. 

I try to respect others and their differences from myself, as it broaden and does not detract from the living experience. 

By eating and a restaurant in our great and accepting commonwealth- the most  astute  and educated state in the country-i am not giving in to some monster but in my opinion am reaching across a long and divided table, to break bread and to try to show those who oppose, that we are really the same at the end. 

I don't know. I just hope i don't come across here as ignorant or simplifying the work and sacrifice those who want equality have put so much into. 

I hate the divisions in our society.  This country has so much to be happy for, and i'd hate to blemish those who strive for that, but i also strive for that understanding as well.  

So, go there. Eat the food and know your tax dollars are being used to promote marriage equality. 

Listen.

Give me your tired, your poor, 

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: 

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

Emma Lazarus

edna.

My great aunt edna is dying. 

I am at a loss for most words, so i'll keep this short. 

She is a wonderful, sweet woman and has been so kind and giving. 

I am going to see her today, to tell her how i'm going to look forward to seeing her at my mom's Fourth of July party this year. 

I am going to leave a nice picture of her great great niece by her bed at the hospital. 

Know this, fellow fortysomethings: this is going to occur a lot more over the next twenty years to us. The loss and the funerals and the like. 

There is a generation turn over going on and we have to be strong, caring and respectful. 

Loss.

Facing death or the loss of a loved one has never been a thing i've enjoyed enduring, but both are as inevitable as the sun setting every day.

I am a graduate of the school of loss-as we all are- and i am of the idea that i like to remember people when they are alive, as opposed to withering away or passed on. 

This said, i want to explain here, that i have attended many an funeral and remembrance, and i have been a pall bearer as well. 

The task was quiet and extremely somber. I remember my uncle who i was commiserating as a fun loving, life living man. Yet he never really had sort or personality that i'd align my with on a social level. 

I think it was when i was delivering flowers on one fine summer morning-at 10:30- he came put of a dive bar i had been walking by and we both stopped short. 

This was the first time i had seen him outside of family functions, since i was born.

He was taken aback by seeing me kind if acted weird and be both kind of said 'hello.' 

That was the most i'd learned about him up to the age i was. 

Anyway, he left this mortal coil when i was 31?  

What has happened since i was that age-and especially in the last two years- is that Terri has seen the loss of her step grandfather and his son. 

We are losing those we love and do not know, save a photo opportunity and a quick kiss, and that's it.

Or, they seem as strange as they think you are. 

Or, they are just people like you and i.

Or, they have their own lives and fates. 

Or, we're all headed for the same fate

but we have to remember as they were alive. 

Dying and especially death are an inevitable that no one will ever escape. 

But as we have loss, we also have gain. 

I was just making an observation on how the loss of others may be perceived,and is probably perceived, by at least a few people as the plausible a way to 

perceive passes.

hike.

if...

As an idea and writing exercise, i decided to start a post 'thread' called 'if...'

I am doing this purely for fun and take a hypothetical situation, examine it and put it back on the shelf.

This 'if..' is: if i came into 100 million dollars.

The first thing i would do is hire an accountant and a lawyer. Both will be invaluable to my needs now and into my future.

I would then buy out of my current phone account. I would purchase two pay as you go phones, on for my self and one for Terri.

I would give my new number only to immediate family, the lawyer and accountant.

I would then rent or purchase a smaller sized recreational vehicle, and begin my (our) second trip across this great land. 

The reason is that i wanted to do this again and to look for cities or towns that i would but a condo to live in and to use when i needed. 

I would spend my time going to these places over and over until bored. 

After a three to six month hiatus, we would return home.  I would then rent a good sized hall or eatery, invite all of the rest of my family ( our immediate families would be taken care of indefinitely) and ask that they bring any statement of debt (i.e.: mortgage, car payment) that i would allow a ONE TIME PAYMENT of that debt.

I would also set up a charity or foundation in my name.  I would try to bring good music back to the area i live in and would encourage art and music for children in need. 

If i had 100 million dollars, i would be wise and compassionate. 

Visuals 8.

Visuals: insidious, true detective, cabin fever, star trek: deep space nine. 

Audio: swans, off!, john coltrane, hendeka, kondor. 

Reading: Recombo DNA, Star Trek: Enterprise- The Romulan War. 

Serious.

Here is a merry go round. It keeps going around and around. It's colorful lights and music add to the fun you'll have on the merry go round. 

But underneath is a grind of oiled gears. Underneath is the dust and detritus that

keeps the fun running. 

Those beautiful woods, gardens and flower patches you admire as you go for a stroll through?

They would not exist without the death, decay and rot that allows them to live.

In India, when a body is given to the river, as per ritual, the body sinks at the mouth of the river.  Said mouth of the river has one of the most succulent crabs this side of The Chesapeake. 

 I hope you are seeing the connection. 

Now, i am a serious person. I really like to  think about current, past and future choices and situations that i am involved in. I enjoy deep music and am in avoidance of 'small talk.'  This makes me an marginal person of interest to most. Those i do know, i can start up the same conversation that was left off upon at last interaction. 

This being said, those who are happy go lucky, easy going or are so completely oblivious are ones who think that someone such as my self as off putting, odd or 'rotting' their happiness or bliss.

I have found little or no company in the truly happy. 

They scare me. 

It makes me think that something underneath their veneer is so rank, so wretched that no totem of cheer could hide. 

I forget the quote or who said it, i even tried to find it.  It is: 'Only the serious people can laugh.'

I interpret this as: only people who have gone through pain, loss or suffering and have come up from those depths are allowed to laugh.'  We have earned it. 

We are the ones who have suffered the rot and stagnant pond of despair, depression, loss and any general malaise you can muster. 

If you are reading this and think that i'm depressed or upset, then stop. 

This isn't for you, because you've never had your nose in shit.  

Visuals 7.