Insomniating circumstances.

Yes, I know 'insomniating' is not a real word, but here I am on a Sunday, at 7:45am, wide awake. I have been up since 6. Nothing can ruin one's day more than the lack of sleep. I am going to need massive amounts of coffee in order to function through the morning, let alone the rest of the day. Unlike last Sunday when a good portion of Terri's family and a smattering of mine, converged upon my back yard for Elsie's first birthday. Fun was had by all. So I'm here in bed with Terri and Elsie. Elsie has her head resting on my shoulder. Our dog Jackson, just whimpered in his sleep. I want to fall asleep and get another two hours in, but I don't know if I can nod off. I bet if I had tied one on last night, I would be out cold still, waiting to wake up and demand a hearty breakfast and some hair of the dog. Alas, not in the cards. I don't miss hangovers in the least bit and any time I feel the want for drink, I remember that feeling in the morning of pure crapulence. That is enough to keep me away until I think of it again. Living well is the best revenge, I guess.

After the storm, the clean up.

Elsie's grandmother just picked her up. I am watching the show 'Good Eats,' as I am a big fan of the show. I am going to get some to go food on the way to my McJob. This will be the third day that my stomach has been doing cartwheels. Even though I was administered a flu shot, this bug hit me pretty hard. Others have been getting physically sick, but I passed that hurdle. I am fatigued, pasty and constantly hungry. I keep eating acetaminophen and drinking lots of fluids. I haven't kissed Elsie on the cheek in as many days that I have been ill. I'm really trying here and am looking forward and working hard to make it to the first 90 say mark of being sober. It hasn't been easy on my family. I have been hard on Terri over the dumbest things and don't even know why I am doing it! The good thing is that as I progress away from my last drink, most of the confusion and duress subsided. My brain had gotten so used to this lather, rinse, repeat cycle and I had made Terri responsible for most of my emotions and conduct, that I didn't know how to act. I do now know. I stop my self when the frustration rises. I am trying to be here now in the moment for my family as much as I can. This post wasn't meant to inspire or to be a caution to others, as I am in no shape to help anyone else yet. I was so I could find grounding with my writing. I want to be a better person and a good human. It's going to take a long time to clean up after the storm.

Another one (for the road?)

I am a klutz. I am forgetful. It is a pain. I have concluded that when one spawns, and gives their care to said spawn, half of reasoning, planning and organization in the brain, leaks out of the left ear. This could explain my constant ear aches and the voluminous ear wax substance I have had as of late. That said, I am typing this from my fourth iPhone in eight months. Let's gather the tally so far for categorical purposes:
1) IPhone 3GS. Washed on permanent press cycle.
2) IPhone 3GS. Updated to IOS 5.1.1 Corrupted voice and sound options.
3) IPhone 3GS. Left on roof of car. Pressure caused by unknown driver's tire caused complete failure.
Now, this may seem like an expensive venture. But I signed up for apple care and have paid a grand total of $250.00 US for three phones, including this one: the IPhone 4.
I like the 4. It is sleek and more user friendly than the 3GS. I am going to guard it with my dear life. I still have the plastic covering the front and back, until I buy one of these fortress cases that they make these days. That's it. Wish me luck. Oh, here's a picture of the $22.00 US travel mug I purchased yesterday.

the quiet earth.

i started writing again because it is my only outlet to communicate my feelings and thoughts.  thank you to the three of you that read the last post.now then, it has been a month since i last imbibed, and i have to say, that things haven't been great.  i keep having these anxieties and have tried to seek help, but due to my schedule, it is hard to find someone.  i want to put a lot of things behind me, and i'm in a holding pattern so far.  which is a good thing.
i have been reading the A.A. book, and will read it all the way through-just to give it a chance- but it really is not for me.  the part where the first ninety days is a test, is something i will use from the A.A. book, and i will go back to the many testimonials now and again. but in my opinion, unless you are really fucked and have zero willpower, then avoid it.  the main focus now is to just ride out the next eight weeks and try to work on my re-integration into the world.
but what world?
what did i leave behind from my drinking days that i don't do now?
see, slowly drinking became my number one priority and i let friends and companions fall to the way side.  it was a slow and barely noticeable process, but i am now alone.  some of you may or may not understand this.  i have always been a loner and i have been loathe to be in public for a good long time now.  i feel that drinking has some to do with this, but my underlying problems are at the core of my inabilities.  i guess i miss the fact that i had lots of friends and was involved in their lives at some point.  i miss the late nights and the laughter.
but what i don't miss is the total confusion, the back stabbing and the laziness that came from me and from them.  the 'i miss you, we should hang out' only to not notify me that your band is playing down the street. the worst is the 'i haven't seen your kid yet, but i am so happy for you' and you live three streets away from me.   my friend robot is the only one who sends me messages every time he is doing sound, playing or having a party. he has seen my daughter and has always been cool to me (even when i almost break his vintage guitars) and is a true brother on all levels. i have to say too that Onge has always been here reading this, and letting me know what's going on.
the rest of you?  i don't know.  i really don't care either.  i think that it's not fair that i had to suddenly take you in and listen to you grovel when your girlfriend dumped you.  i had to be there every time your girl dumped you and i had to sit on the phone for an hour hearing you say the same thing three different ways.  i used to get invited out, but am out of favor due to the stupid hive mind mentality your gaggle decides to utilize every time i didn't inflate yours or your friends ego.  

yeah, it's harsh.  but i've always been a pushover.  i have always been a follow along door mat and i really don't need it anymore.  you want to hang out? you want to really have a conversation or figure things out? you really want me to come see your band or show? then commit to it.  don't say one thing and have another thing happen. i am trying to balance being sober, my job and my family right now, so i don't have time for maybes.

all i have now is my family and my music.  i am bitter and full of energy.  these things have always been a volatile combination for me.  i need to create to keep the balance.

The broad highway

wow, the customization of blogger has become very user friendly, yet somewhat confusing.
o.k.,  as of six p.m. on August eleventh two thousand and twelve, i had my last drink.  i will be three weeks without alcohol as of six p.m. tonight.  the reason?  i was starting to develop this strange pattern of wanting to drink massive quantities of alcohol just to feel normal.  i was becoming irritable to terri and was in general hiding behind the alcohol to cope with things i didn't really want to cope with.  that said, in the past, i have bade bold sweeping statements about my drinking and have boasted, brayed and lived off the word 'sober' until it beat my mind into drunk submission.  this time was way different.  i came off of my second binge since our trip to the cape in early July.  i won't get into specifics, but on a tuesday night, who drinks a six pack of hard cider and has four shots of whiskey?  i had to tend to elsie in the morning and then go to work. and i did all of that, without any emotion and any feelings.  how convenient, huh?  a great thing that levels one's crazy thoughts and emotions out and permanently buries them deep down...um, not really.  i was masking my emotions and my obvious depression with alcohol.  so not only did it really start to take it's toll on my almost forty year old body, it was killing me via burning me out.  so i decided that enough was enough.  i spent my last friday getting pleasantly drunk and wanted to save two beer and a shot for the inevitable on saturday.  i needed the last bit, because my hangovers were of the severity that having a little alcohol in the afternoon would even me out.  i had one last shot and two beers and called it at that.  now, since i made the conscious decision to quit and am sticking to it, my mind and body suddenly decided to go against me in a fashion i wouldn't wish upon any enemy i may have.  the physical effect had all but diminished, but i have been on a mental roller coaster since quitting.  my mind was so used alcohol and it's numbing effects, that it will be a bit before i am fully operational.  and there are the emotions, that pratfalls of thought, that come screaming at me from all directions at once.  help has been called in this department.  i just don't want to end up back in the hospital for an 'extended stay' again as i did a couple of years ago.
so, my worst fear was that i would do some permanent damage to my brain.  i've seen and heard others who have 'wet brain' and it scares me to be stuck in that permanent loop.
i don't think that i have that sort of problem though, because even though i have consumed two lifetimes worth of alcohol, i have always been very mentally astute.  as an aside, this is a trait that i can see, which has been passed on to my daughter, as she is wiser than her eleven months.
in conclusion, as much as i am doing this for my self and am trying to work on being my self and giving as much as i get instead of trying to consume and assimilate everything, i am doing it for elsie.  she is the reason for me to be a good dad, and to remain clear for her so that i can teach her and she can teach me about life.
i only have one shot a being a good parent, and i want to do it in my best way possible.
goals: short term: make it through each day, knowing that if i have even one drink, this horrible cycle will kill me. long term:  get back into music, start a band with like minded people. return to school?