we are made of stars.

remember this the next time something mundane is happening to or around you.

Review.

it's the end of another crazy year and i thought i'd cap it off with the usual review of what occurred on my radar.
In no order:
my family: the most important thing to me and the thing that keeps me going. need i say more?
quitting drinking: as hard as it was to climb out of my self imposed exile in the drink, it has been really great since i quit oh so long ago. i don't really miss drinking and have learned a lot since august 11. i'm happy to say that i am in recovery now and not just sober.
coffee: the single best thing around that stimulates and motivates. i am becoming quite the home barista. many methods have been utilized and explored.
reddit.com: the front page of the internet. I became a moderator of a subreddit by default and have had a love hate relationship with reddit since i joined. stay tuned...
cooking: i loved to cook since i moved in with terri. before that i was so so. i received a six quart dutch oven for christmas. it's amazing.
there were also a ton of movies, television programs, compact discs and other distractions that i don't really care to get into. it was a really challenging and yet very rewarding time span, this 2012.

Belief.

We are on the eve of a magical day for some, one of gathering and remembering the solstice for others. Many of faith in a god will gather tonight to celebrate the birth of his mortal son, jesus.
Who is this guy? A prophet? A magician? A conglomerate of pagan and non pagan deities? The first individual whom stuck out from the herd, had a simple but effective plan to bring us all together with love?
I'm going with the latter.
ok, i have zero belief in any gods. this is how i feel and i looked deep and far to come to this conclusion. BUT, i do believe that a person who later became 'jesus' did exist. I think he was a jewish slave who was building the pyramids. he probably didn't dig on how he and his fellow slaves were being treated and started spreading the word. He was killed for it. the end. years later, scholars probably picked up on this story and tried to incorporate it into a tome.
that's what i read anyway.
i can say that i didn't read the bible BUT i'm sure that it is a guide to life with lots of action and brutality. if one was to take the lessons from a bible, they could probably deduce that a) we were pretty harsh to each other and b) you can lead a pretty honest, giving and happy life.
i'm sure that's all this jesus figure/man wanted: for all of us to put aside our differences and evolve into a better society. think of him as the first one to have a utopian vision or something like that.
i have to say that i agree with that. through my recovery, i have been mashing together lots of different ideas and theories to expand upon and discard. i can say that the idea that some guy was trying to unite everyone with love and kindness waaaayyyy back in the day is pretty cool. he must've had a ton of faith in his fellow man to even think of throwing these things around.
anyway, this atheist has to finish wrapping gifts and i have to get ready for visits and such.
Happy winter solstice to all.
Merry Christmas everyone.

unchecked.

once again the severity of someone's mental illness goes unchecked. innocent blood was shed.  sounds like war?  no. this happened in a quiet town in a little state in america.  my shock turned to disgust, when the news came up on my reddit front page.
i was very vocal about the shooting in colorado on the opening night of The Dark Night Rises.  the perp deserved a fate worse than death.  but what would that accomplish?  my hatred would pollute the air, we'd all surround the perp with pitchforks and torches, bent on revenge.

all we would be is as bad as the perp and their crime.

now, let me be clear: mental illness is IN NO WAY justifying what happened on friday.  any rational person knows this. to blame this senseless, heartless crime on the need for more gun control is something i won't touch, but in the case of last friday and this past summer: these were both perps with a history of mental illness.
our society-this american society-only wants winners.  if you are broken or weak, you get stomped.  when someone who is supposedly weak does these heinous things, we all scratch our heads and ask why?
answers will come, over time.
right now is not the time for answers.  turn off the news and focus on something positive.
i am soul crushed to think of these little ones dying in fear or being in pain.
any parent felt the same way yesterday.  we have a maternal/paternal instinct to protect the young.  it's ingrained in our DNA.

i am soul crushed to think of these little ones dying in fear or being in pain. 
i'll leave you with this:  just picture the twenty little ones being led by the six adults holding hands, into a better place, away from this crazy, crazy world.


i'm beginning to not understand this strange, strange place anymore.

helpless.

do you know what really sucks?
it's when someone is down or sliding down a dark path and you cannot do anything about it because of proximity and because of the rule.
what is the rule?
that in a situation like the one i'm in now, having someone control your addictive behavior and try to cure you will not do a damn thing, compared to the person helping themselves and re learning to stand on their own two feet.
it's called empowerment.
it is the driving force and the reason that i am drinking key lime seltzer right now and not ale and whiskey.
the fact that the person in this world that i grew up with almost died and i can't do anything about it, is killing me inside.
the fact that when i talked to him and told him that he should listen to EVERYTHING the doctor's are telling him to do and he was more worried about getting back to work-is killing me.  the fact that  i talked to what seemed like the shell of a man instead of the person i've known and loved my whole life took so much out of me today.
it hasn't been confirmed as to weather his passing out and subsequent seizures were a result of drinking or exhaustion or diet or whatever.
i am not going to pry.  i wrote in my 'empty nest' entry about his last visit and how the booze distanced him from me and the rest of the family, so i'm leaning in the direction of alcohol abuse. BUT I CANNOT DO A THING ABOUT IT.
only he can change who he is.
putting pressure on him will only make things worse.
being sober is a very fickle beast to try and tame.  you are taking a large amount of time being numb and feeling nothing and BAM! it all gets shut down in a day.  the ride is over...now what? this is soul crushing and only the mentally prepared and those who are willing to commit can survive.  how did i do it?  my family. my home.  having this little one around who listens and watches everything i do and say.  i want to be a good example for her and i want to try to make my relationship work and grow with Terri.
i gave up a lot to even be sitting here writing this out.  that feeling that i needed to have every night was replaced by curiosity and pulling in the reins on my crazy thought process.  also letting go of all of these anxieties that when put aside and dropped, weren't mine to carry in the first place.
i found out where i belong and i have a new sense of purpose because of the fact that another life depends upon my actions and the decisions i make now effect more than my self.  very, very powerful stuff when you think about it.
please, if you know my brother, think of him today for a moment.  he's still carrying a heavy load and it broke him.

if there is anyone who deserves a pass, it's him.

sickness.

the little one is sick. she and terri are at the pediatrician. i am here hoping for the best and getting ready for work. speaking of which; i was trained to operate the beast to your left.  it is a Turret Truck as made by the Raymond Corporation.  the thing is 20ft. high and 30ft. long.  it is a pain in the ass to maneuver, but is easy to control.
now i am fully trained in every piece of equipment that my company uses, save the tractor trailers.  it has taken me over thirteen years to accomplish this, so it is a sweet reward for all of the hard work.
elsie caught some sort of cold that has been going around, shook it for the most part, and it came back with a vengeance. the funny thing is, she is only congested when she sleeps and is active when awake, except for some runny nose action.  i was baffled by this from the beginning and that is what gave me cause for alarm.  it's not that we are the kind of parents that hear a sniffle from our kid and rush to the emergency room.  we waited the appropriate three days and her symptoms did not subside.  what a sport though.  she still wanted to have fun last night, even after we used the bulb plunger to clean out her nose.
other than that, i am looking forward to the weekend, as my friend and tenant is celebrating his 33rd birthday tomorrow night, even though today is his birthday.  hmm, today...history is showing that we kept on creeping and creeping more into japan's territory well before pearl harbor.  we were taking island after island and it pissed the Japanese off.  so they had to attack before we really did damage? the verdict is still out on that one. anyway, i know my friend is getting a copy of The Dark Knight Rises on Blueray so he'd better watch it with me, dammit.
other stuff: it's been 118 days today.  i have to try to cut back on my soda consumption as it's giving me a gut.  so much for two liter sundays!

Video test.

this is my first attempt at a video blog.  i am really not interested in processing my thoughts via this method.  since i have the ability to use this format, i thought i'd give it a shot.
i will probably only use this feature to show videos of my daughter, like the one i filmed using my iphone of her falling asleep in her highchair this morning.
i love the typed format and the images that are conjured using the brain, instead of an opposite perspective of something being filmed, through a filter that someone else created.
such is life.
thank you for watching the video, and any feedback would be appreciated.

empty nest?

as you can see from the title, our little one had her first sleep over last night.  she stayed at her grandmother's a few towns over, as terri had work in nyc and i have to work until 10.
it was a big step...for elsie and for us.  i felt really sad knowing that i wouldn't wake up with her right next to me, smiling and ready to take on the day.
i'll see her tonight and the briefly tomorrow before she gets picked up again. such is the life of working parents.
it was weird waking up today without elsie here.  i mean it was like she never existed and the past fifteen months were all a dream.  i looked into her room and saw all of the things that make her happy, i looked around the living room and at the three dvd yo gabba gabba set that i purchased for her and was happy that she is part of my life.
the choice on having her stay over was very practical for all of the parties involved.  we all would've been that much more tired and cranky if this didn't happen.  hell, i even stayed up until about 2am last night.  a rare occasion indeed.
so, that is is.  the first tingling (or sting) of the empty nest.
here's another thing for someone-you know who you are:

we were looking forward to seeing you last saturday.  we were looking forward to you interacting with you niece.  but you couldn't.  you made a big deal about being able to drink and how were you going to do that and get back home.  i knew when you were saying this to me at the mall on friday, that you weren't coming (again.)  i could even smell the schnapps on you breath (at a mall in the afternoon?!?) you had all f this time when we could've all been together as a family and you decided to climb into a bottle instead.  i can't judge you, but i want you to see the effect that drinking had on me this past weekend.  we are all older now.  we are all in our respected positions in life.  we all have the ability to achieve and to make the best out of our situations.  please get out of your rut.  please remember that all of us are counting on you and that you have a place in this world with us, your job and mostly to your self.  the time has come to let any past indiscretion go away and be left to childhood innocence.  and if hargis and i could do it, SO CAN YOU.  it's not a bad thing once you've gotten past the kicking and screaming part of the first two months.  then you see.  you see the folly, the weakness and the utter insanity are the only things that addiction can give to you.  and guess what friend:  it wants to take more and more of you without giving as much back after a while.  don't be the one who turns around one day and wonders where everything and everyone went.  the bottle will still be there, but guess what: it won...

90 Days and counting...

...yes: 90 days without drinking on this day, november 9 2012. how am i going to celebrate this personal milestone in my life? i would like a cheeseburger and fries and a coke.
the beginning seems like an eon ago. i acted like a baby that lost it's bottle. the reality is that it didn't feel good anymore. i was drinking because it was what i was used to. problems started compounding and a lot of ghosts from my past were plaguing me and i was sick of burning the (ahem) candle at both ends. i became sober with the help of a professional therapist, the AA big book (i still haven't stepped foot into a meeting) my family and two co workers whom are sober as well. I am in no way cured nor am i at risk of a relapse. how? I think my way through the drinking experience. i think about getting way too drunk way too quickly. i think about waking up still drunk. i think about having to piece together my morning when all i want to do is pass out, and it doesn't at all add up. it is not worth it and it is not worth flirting with the idea of trying to regulate or ration my alcohol usage.
Now comes the part that is more difficult: what do i do with all of this? That is what the next ninety days will be about for me. I instituted a change in my self and have become aware of who i am and what that means. Now i have to work on a plan to begin the rest of my and my families life, and to grow into my new role.
In conclusion of this rant, i cannot express enough gratitude to my family for helping me to see that i am a good person who wants to do good things, and that having a little faith in things instead of always seeing the bad side, really helps a tremendous amount.
'The sleeper has awakened.'

Have a seat!

Did you vote? Good. You honored the people who sacrifice their time and lives in order to keep this democracy alive. I am no politico, and i am a very independent person, but i have to say, that seeing the turn out for this years election was amazing. It really showed that people care that this country is still for and by the people. We honored those whom are in the military by voting. We showed that our votes do matter and that we are one country. As long as you voted. If you didn't, then you don't get to complain when things don't go your way. It's as simple as that. It's not an exclusive club. Membership is guaranteed at birth in this country. So, wherever we go from here, however we do it, last yesterday was an example of democracy in action. So, have a seat and enjoy the ride.

Almost there.

Welp, i am fast approaching the 90day mark without a drink. I am looking forward to having a nice day of work and may buy something for my self as an reward. 90 days is an earmark for a lot of alcoholics. It show that we have weathered the storm of quitting drinking and are far enough into it to take it seriously. I went through an amazing amount of mental and physical pain over the past three months, but every day that went by things became better and more clear. I even have had the chance to make some artistic leaps with video and
music. Nothing groundbreaking but it sure made me feel good about my self. So i will continue to count the days and will be grateful for what i have as i reconnect with my place in the world. I may even make it out to do something social, as those anxieties have abated as well!
Ok, off to see the therapist for what i hope is the last time...

David Lynch

Ha, it just dawned on me that one of my heroes was also the one whom kept me frightened to death as a young lad. My dad was watching a movie review show or something when I was 5 or 6. The Elephant Man was new to theaters and the scene where the mob corners Mr. Merrick and unhooded him comes on. And that night I had constant nightmares that the elephant man was lying next to my bed. Then, around 1985, we saw the epic Dune in the theater and i was blown away at how dark and sinister the movie was. This was due to Mr. Lynch's movie. A bunch of years later, we are watching Blue Velvet and find the name of our first punk band: people like frank. He has been a constant influence on my life and the more I find out about David Lynch and his works, the more inspiration I have to create again. What a great individual.

On being 39.

Today is my birthday. I was born at 10:07am today in Springfield Mass. Now i am 39. This will be the last year in a decade of my life that had the most impact and changes. To elaborate would use too much of our time up, so i'll leave this as it is. I can say that i have a good life and am very fortunate to be in the place i'm in now, considering the rough road i was led/ led my self down in previous years. So how will i celebrate? I have to wotk. Yep, i have to go to my McJob. But, it will enrich mine and especially Elsie's life. So i'll just get something really good to eat for lunch and think about the crazy years that were my thirties.

Insomniating circumstances.

Yes, I know 'insomniating' is not a real word, but here I am on a Sunday, at 7:45am, wide awake. I have been up since 6. Nothing can ruin one's day more than the lack of sleep. I am going to need massive amounts of coffee in order to function through the morning, let alone the rest of the day. Unlike last Sunday when a good portion of Terri's family and a smattering of mine, converged upon my back yard for Elsie's first birthday. Fun was had by all. So I'm here in bed with Terri and Elsie. Elsie has her head resting on my shoulder. Our dog Jackson, just whimpered in his sleep. I want to fall asleep and get another two hours in, but I don't know if I can nod off. I bet if I had tied one on last night, I would be out cold still, waiting to wake up and demand a hearty breakfast and some hair of the dog. Alas, not in the cards. I don't miss hangovers in the least bit and any time I feel the want for drink, I remember that feeling in the morning of pure crapulence. That is enough to keep me away until I think of it again. Living well is the best revenge, I guess.

After the storm, the clean up.

Elsie's grandmother just picked her up. I am watching the show 'Good Eats,' as I am a big fan of the show. I am going to get some to go food on the way to my McJob. This will be the third day that my stomach has been doing cartwheels. Even though I was administered a flu shot, this bug hit me pretty hard. Others have been getting physically sick, but I passed that hurdle. I am fatigued, pasty and constantly hungry. I keep eating acetaminophen and drinking lots of fluids. I haven't kissed Elsie on the cheek in as many days that I have been ill. I'm really trying here and am looking forward and working hard to make it to the first 90 say mark of being sober. It hasn't been easy on my family. I have been hard on Terri over the dumbest things and don't even know why I am doing it! The good thing is that as I progress away from my last drink, most of the confusion and duress subsided. My brain had gotten so used to this lather, rinse, repeat cycle and I had made Terri responsible for most of my emotions and conduct, that I didn't know how to act. I do now know. I stop my self when the frustration rises. I am trying to be here now in the moment for my family as much as I can. This post wasn't meant to inspire or to be a caution to others, as I am in no shape to help anyone else yet. I was so I could find grounding with my writing. I want to be a better person and a good human. It's going to take a long time to clean up after the storm.

Another one (for the road?)

I am a klutz. I am forgetful. It is a pain. I have concluded that when one spawns, and gives their care to said spawn, half of reasoning, planning and organization in the brain, leaks out of the left ear. This could explain my constant ear aches and the voluminous ear wax substance I have had as of late. That said, I am typing this from my fourth iPhone in eight months. Let's gather the tally so far for categorical purposes:
1) IPhone 3GS. Washed on permanent press cycle.
2) IPhone 3GS. Updated to IOS 5.1.1 Corrupted voice and sound options.
3) IPhone 3GS. Left on roof of car. Pressure caused by unknown driver's tire caused complete failure.
Now, this may seem like an expensive venture. But I signed up for apple care and have paid a grand total of $250.00 US for three phones, including this one: the IPhone 4.
I like the 4. It is sleek and more user friendly than the 3GS. I am going to guard it with my dear life. I still have the plastic covering the front and back, until I buy one of these fortress cases that they make these days. That's it. Wish me luck. Oh, here's a picture of the $22.00 US travel mug I purchased yesterday.

the quiet earth.

i started writing again because it is my only outlet to communicate my feelings and thoughts.  thank you to the three of you that read the last post.now then, it has been a month since i last imbibed, and i have to say, that things haven't been great.  i keep having these anxieties and have tried to seek help, but due to my schedule, it is hard to find someone.  i want to put a lot of things behind me, and i'm in a holding pattern so far.  which is a good thing.
i have been reading the A.A. book, and will read it all the way through-just to give it a chance- but it really is not for me.  the part where the first ninety days is a test, is something i will use from the A.A. book, and i will go back to the many testimonials now and again. but in my opinion, unless you are really fucked and have zero willpower, then avoid it.  the main focus now is to just ride out the next eight weeks and try to work on my re-integration into the world.
but what world?
what did i leave behind from my drinking days that i don't do now?
see, slowly drinking became my number one priority and i let friends and companions fall to the way side.  it was a slow and barely noticeable process, but i am now alone.  some of you may or may not understand this.  i have always been a loner and i have been loathe to be in public for a good long time now.  i feel that drinking has some to do with this, but my underlying problems are at the core of my inabilities.  i guess i miss the fact that i had lots of friends and was involved in their lives at some point.  i miss the late nights and the laughter.
but what i don't miss is the total confusion, the back stabbing and the laziness that came from me and from them.  the 'i miss you, we should hang out' only to not notify me that your band is playing down the street. the worst is the 'i haven't seen your kid yet, but i am so happy for you' and you live three streets away from me.   my friend robot is the only one who sends me messages every time he is doing sound, playing or having a party. he has seen my daughter and has always been cool to me (even when i almost break his vintage guitars) and is a true brother on all levels. i have to say too that Onge has always been here reading this, and letting me know what's going on.
the rest of you?  i don't know.  i really don't care either.  i think that it's not fair that i had to suddenly take you in and listen to you grovel when your girlfriend dumped you.  i had to be there every time your girl dumped you and i had to sit on the phone for an hour hearing you say the same thing three different ways.  i used to get invited out, but am out of favor due to the stupid hive mind mentality your gaggle decides to utilize every time i didn't inflate yours or your friends ego.  

yeah, it's harsh.  but i've always been a pushover.  i have always been a follow along door mat and i really don't need it anymore.  you want to hang out? you want to really have a conversation or figure things out? you really want me to come see your band or show? then commit to it.  don't say one thing and have another thing happen. i am trying to balance being sober, my job and my family right now, so i don't have time for maybes.

all i have now is my family and my music.  i am bitter and full of energy.  these things have always been a volatile combination for me.  i need to create to keep the balance.

The broad highway

wow, the customization of blogger has become very user friendly, yet somewhat confusing.
o.k.,  as of six p.m. on August eleventh two thousand and twelve, i had my last drink.  i will be three weeks without alcohol as of six p.m. tonight.  the reason?  i was starting to develop this strange pattern of wanting to drink massive quantities of alcohol just to feel normal.  i was becoming irritable to terri and was in general hiding behind the alcohol to cope with things i didn't really want to cope with.  that said, in the past, i have bade bold sweeping statements about my drinking and have boasted, brayed and lived off the word 'sober' until it beat my mind into drunk submission.  this time was way different.  i came off of my second binge since our trip to the cape in early July.  i won't get into specifics, but on a tuesday night, who drinks a six pack of hard cider and has four shots of whiskey?  i had to tend to elsie in the morning and then go to work. and i did all of that, without any emotion and any feelings.  how convenient, huh?  a great thing that levels one's crazy thoughts and emotions out and permanently buries them deep down...um, not really.  i was masking my emotions and my obvious depression with alcohol.  so not only did it really start to take it's toll on my almost forty year old body, it was killing me via burning me out.  so i decided that enough was enough.  i spent my last friday getting pleasantly drunk and wanted to save two beer and a shot for the inevitable on saturday.  i needed the last bit, because my hangovers were of the severity that having a little alcohol in the afternoon would even me out.  i had one last shot and two beers and called it at that.  now, since i made the conscious decision to quit and am sticking to it, my mind and body suddenly decided to go against me in a fashion i wouldn't wish upon any enemy i may have.  the physical effect had all but diminished, but i have been on a mental roller coaster since quitting.  my mind was so used alcohol and it's numbing effects, that it will be a bit before i am fully operational.  and there are the emotions, that pratfalls of thought, that come screaming at me from all directions at once.  help has been called in this department.  i just don't want to end up back in the hospital for an 'extended stay' again as i did a couple of years ago.
so, my worst fear was that i would do some permanent damage to my brain.  i've seen and heard others who have 'wet brain' and it scares me to be stuck in that permanent loop.
i don't think that i have that sort of problem though, because even though i have consumed two lifetimes worth of alcohol, i have always been very mentally astute.  as an aside, this is a trait that i can see, which has been passed on to my daughter, as she is wiser than her eleven months.
in conclusion, as much as i am doing this for my self and am trying to work on being my self and giving as much as i get instead of trying to consume and assimilate everything, i am doing it for elsie.  she is the reason for me to be a good dad, and to remain clear for her so that i can teach her and she can teach me about life.
i only have one shot a being a good parent, and i want to do it in my best way possible.
goals: short term: make it through each day, knowing that if i have even one drink, this horrible cycle will kill me. long term:  get back into music, start a band with like minded people. return to school?

The Wash

I'm sorry, but the photo on the left...it just says so much.

Anyway, after a wonderful easter meal at my mom's house with Terri, Elsie, Elsie-her great grandmother, Edna-her great great aunt and her grandfather Peter, i decided to go home while Terri and Elsie went to visit more relatives while i would clean a little and start our own dinner.

I went to the local bodega to buy some milk, sent a text on my iphone to Terri that i purchased said milk, and went inside.

i needed to do laundry, and hastily took off my clothes as well as the small pile in the hamper, and started the wash.

I thought i'd give my friend hargis a call. since we dropped our land line and are saving $40 a month in doing so, i went for my trusty and very addictive iphone....but where did i put it? It's not down in the car as i sent the message to Terri about the milk purchase, it wasn't on the bookshelf in the hall, on the kitchen table, not was it on my bureau....OH MOTHER OF GOD!!!!

The washing machine had just started scrubbing my work worn clothing and i slammed the top door open, halting the wash and looked in. I pulled the blue jeans i was wearing out, splattering water everywhere, and then i looked in to see my fairly new iphone sitting in about six inches of water, i yanked it out and it was full of water, the screen looked like an aquarium. The best thing i could do was to let it sit right side up, while i desperately tried to figure out what i would do next. I ended up flinging most of the water out with my wrist and just gave up.

Flash forward to today, and i had already planned on going to the phone store to either trade the thing in for another (iphone 4!?!) and just for giggles i turned the mostly dry phone on to find it working!

Well, almost.
It immediately rebooted so i didn't touch it until the very useless clerk at the cell phone place 'put some air through it' and handed the phone back to me and told me to not use it for another day. He even managed to call himself on a landline with my phone in front of me. I went outside and immediately the thing rebooted and i'd had no service until i came home and connected to our wifi.

I'm going back tomorrow, because Terri is swapping her upgrade with mine, which is in June.

So, what is the moral of this story?

Trying to keep on top of things is great, but you can easily mess up everything if your only means of communication goes down. This phone is the only way that i am able to keep on top of some things and without it i was screwed.

What i need to do from now on, is make sure when i am home is have the thing in one specific place so that this does not go down again.

Fuck that.

Thank you for listening to my first world problem.

Photo: http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/galleries/bad_easter_photos#152903

Blog? Blog.

Come on! Elsie is freaking beautiful. Dear readers, some of you will be getting a copy of this in a card that Terri sent out...so, no need to copy and save.

Beyond that...nothing. I've just been trying to get through the days like the rest of you.

I haven't been asking for too much. I did leave work a little early tonight so i could be with my ladies. i made some excellent tofu spaghetti sauce primavera for Terri. I'm sitting here enjoying a cocktail of ginger ale and blueberry pomegranate juice.

I've really been thinking about music lately. I've mentioned this before, but i'd really like to get something started. We want Elsie to play a musical instrument. i feel it would help her developmentally. The thing is: we can't choose one for her, it has to be her choice. I can't wait to see what she finds interesting.

I've also been transferring pictures of Elsie to here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/23632423@N02/sets/72157626907989512/

I was archiving-hopefully in order- her pictures. We have a ton more updated to our 'cloud' that i have to upload. It's a daunting but pleasant task that has me on the laptop quite often. The program for 'flickr' is great in that you can move pictures around to make more sense of their order.

Anyway...i thought i'd drop in and show you the newest upload from her photo session two Sunday's ago.

Great idea?

i just had to share this:

tomorrow at work, through an EMAIL, the head of our department is mandating an NO EMAIL day.

yes, a NO EMAIL DAY.

read it again...no communications via email so we can 'enhance person to person communication.'

i understand the meaning of this at the base level...but we are a billion dollar company with thousands of employees, a good number of whom have email, and not some start up operation.

so, her's a few things i find wrong with this idea:

1) the IT department at my job will become flooded with other departments calls wondering why they can't get through to our department...BECAUSE OUR DEPARTMENT HEAD DIDN'T TELL ANY OTHER DEPARTMENTS WE WERE DOING THIS.

he wanted us to copy any auto reply message letting the other departments know what we were doing and to call our extension or see the person they needed to talk to.

i can say that my email will be up and running tomorrow, irregardless. i am such a rebel. hahaha.

2) I WORK A MILE AWAY FROM MY DEPARTMENT'S MAIN BUILDING. so how in the hell am i going to update anyone on the status of anything? how am i going to have to remain on hold, while i wait in line for someone to answer?

3) the already overtaxed paging system at the main building, will literally unplug itself and quit.

4) he's doing this EVERY friday until the end of the quarter. Yes. FRIDAY. the day when A LOT of emails go out-especially on 2nd shift-SO PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO ON MONDAY!

I am honestly losing my grip with the job. i can't stand the backwoods mentality of most of the management. there is a huge wall of related people that have rutted themselves into power positions THAT DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING. they just plod along and kiss every higher ups ass because they are too stupid to do anything in a different manner. they have created a rift with anyone below them and most treat the common employee like a serf.

this is a prime example of a really bad and not very well thought out idea that will only set things back and not let us move forward, as we should be doing.

i guess i'd better shut up now and keep my head down.. ____years is_____ years. i've had my dreams crushed by this job, narrowly avoided depression and alcoholism, had a psychiatrist actually tell me 'it's no you, it's your job' and even though i've risen above in my personal life, i have NOTHING to show for as far as my career.

sometimes it's hard to leave the personality at home and vice versa. i try to keep the two separate as much as possible to maintain that balance BUT i thought i'd type this one out for you to see, just to have a taste of the madness.

i'll send you an email from work tomorrow to tell you how i'm doing.... HAHAHAHAHAHA.

the last word: i am in no way afraid of change. this was an immediate decision on the department head's part and does not reflect of the few good people that work under the tyrants fist as the glue that holds our department together. i am in no way trying to be a bad egg here, i am trying to be objective...so you can't fire me now, because i wrote this disclaimer at the end of the rant. HAHAHAHAHAHA

ice see what you mean...or a direct assalt on my senses.

geez, what a mess. it was yesterday. i woke up late. i had to simultaneously shovel the whole house again and get ready, and get elsie ready. there was no way i was going in to work. it was a logistic nightmare. i have been getting over a cold that gripped me hard during christmas and into the new year. it came back with a vengeance on the eve of our trip to nyc. i still cough stuff up and am a bit congested but ready for action.

going back to thursday; i decided to stay at home. i knew i would be rushing around like a mad man and would not be able to give 100% at work. i ended up tending to elsie all day and then decided around 4pm to start outside. my dad gave us a really good baby monitor-made by sony- that has really good range. elsie fell asleep and i put her in her swing chair, swigged a cup of water and ran out the door. the snow sucked. it was wet and sloshy. also, there wasn't a lot of it. i managed to get our tenants driveway done, the walkways in front and back and most of our driveway shoveled and salted and bot was i sweating. i kept wiping my brow and face with the back of my wet, sandy glove. i had to cock my winter hat back to get my brow but the sweat kept coming. soon enough, elsie was rousing from her slumber. i went upstairs and took my gear off, fed her and waited for terri to come home so i could finish the job.

then the pain started. i thought i'd become dehydrated, so i consumed two glasses of water. i felt the stinging in my eyes start from the corners in. my head hurt, and my face was numbish. i can't describe it totally but it felt like an allergic reaction to what i think was the salt the dpw puts in the sand. soon enough terri came home and told me i looked terrible. i went to the bathroom and looked into the mirror and saw a worse version of what is pictured above. the above picture was from 630am today.

i think i gave my eyes a salt/sand bath and they did NOT like it. i have washed my eyes out many times, have used a cold wash cloth on them, and have used eye drops to flush them out. i

am just trying to wait it out now. thankfully the swelling has gone down.

that's the saga of me trying to sand my driveway.

now that i look at the picture above again, i think it's worse that it seems because of the time the picture was taken.

oh yeah, and i stayed home today too. when i return to work on tuesday, i will have had 10 days off.

i win?

trip to nyc. january 2012.

hello, all.

i had the luck of going to nyc over the weekend with my two special ladies.

i decided to take some pictures using my iphone. i didn't want to come across as a tourist, so i thought i'd take pictures of things that i felt were more my style.

the city can be quite an adventure. having a daughter to tug around was something i dreaded at first. she only made the trip that much more enjoyable, as she is really coming around and handled our daily walks in perfect form.

by the way, everyone who i ran into or talked to was nice as hell. a lady even helped me get elsie's stroller on to the doorway just this afternoon.

the guy a daisy mae's bbq called me schmuck, so i called him schmoe. we both had a laugh.

i was a bit upset at one thing: i purchased a venti latte at the starbucks with elsie and my shoe became untied on our walk. i tipped the thing over...all $6 of it on the side walk. i had to fetch another from a different starbucks to save face. people were really nice in the city. everyone. no fooling.

without further ado:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/23632423@N02/sets/72157628818127741/

i can't wait until i can do it again in the spring.