Video test.

this is my first attempt at a video blog.  i am really not interested in processing my thoughts via this method.  since i have the ability to use this format, i thought i'd give it a shot.
i will probably only use this feature to show videos of my daughter, like the one i filmed using my iphone of her falling asleep in her highchair this morning.
i love the typed format and the images that are conjured using the brain, instead of an opposite perspective of something being filmed, through a filter that someone else created.
such is life.
thank you for watching the video, and any feedback would be appreciated.

empty nest?

as you can see from the title, our little one had her first sleep over last night.  she stayed at her grandmother's a few towns over, as terri had work in nyc and i have to work until 10.
it was a big step...for elsie and for us.  i felt really sad knowing that i wouldn't wake up with her right next to me, smiling and ready to take on the day.
i'll see her tonight and the briefly tomorrow before she gets picked up again. such is the life of working parents.
it was weird waking up today without elsie here.  i mean it was like she never existed and the past fifteen months were all a dream.  i looked into her room and saw all of the things that make her happy, i looked around the living room and at the three dvd yo gabba gabba set that i purchased for her and was happy that she is part of my life.
the choice on having her stay over was very practical for all of the parties involved.  we all would've been that much more tired and cranky if this didn't happen.  hell, i even stayed up until about 2am last night.  a rare occasion indeed.
so, that is is.  the first tingling (or sting) of the empty nest.
here's another thing for someone-you know who you are:

we were looking forward to seeing you last saturday.  we were looking forward to you interacting with you niece.  but you couldn't.  you made a big deal about being able to drink and how were you going to do that and get back home.  i knew when you were saying this to me at the mall on friday, that you weren't coming (again.)  i could even smell the schnapps on you breath (at a mall in the afternoon?!?) you had all f this time when we could've all been together as a family and you decided to climb into a bottle instead.  i can't judge you, but i want you to see the effect that drinking had on me this past weekend.  we are all older now.  we are all in our respected positions in life.  we all have the ability to achieve and to make the best out of our situations.  please get out of your rut.  please remember that all of us are counting on you and that you have a place in this world with us, your job and mostly to your self.  the time has come to let any past indiscretion go away and be left to childhood innocence.  and if hargis and i could do it, SO CAN YOU.  it's not a bad thing once you've gotten past the kicking and screaming part of the first two months.  then you see.  you see the folly, the weakness and the utter insanity are the only things that addiction can give to you.  and guess what friend:  it wants to take more and more of you without giving as much back after a while.  don't be the one who turns around one day and wonders where everything and everyone went.  the bottle will still be there, but guess what: it won...

90 Days and counting...

...yes: 90 days without drinking on this day, november 9 2012. how am i going to celebrate this personal milestone in my life? i would like a cheeseburger and fries and a coke.
the beginning seems like an eon ago. i acted like a baby that lost it's bottle. the reality is that it didn't feel good anymore. i was drinking because it was what i was used to. problems started compounding and a lot of ghosts from my past were plaguing me and i was sick of burning the (ahem) candle at both ends. i became sober with the help of a professional therapist, the AA big book (i still haven't stepped foot into a meeting) my family and two co workers whom are sober as well. I am in no way cured nor am i at risk of a relapse. how? I think my way through the drinking experience. i think about getting way too drunk way too quickly. i think about waking up still drunk. i think about having to piece together my morning when all i want to do is pass out, and it doesn't at all add up. it is not worth it and it is not worth flirting with the idea of trying to regulate or ration my alcohol usage.
Now comes the part that is more difficult: what do i do with all of this? That is what the next ninety days will be about for me. I instituted a change in my self and have become aware of who i am and what that means. Now i have to work on a plan to begin the rest of my and my families life, and to grow into my new role.
In conclusion of this rant, i cannot express enough gratitude to my family for helping me to see that i am a good person who wants to do good things, and that having a little faith in things instead of always seeing the bad side, really helps a tremendous amount.
'The sleeper has awakened.'

Have a seat!

Did you vote? Good. You honored the people who sacrifice their time and lives in order to keep this democracy alive. I am no politico, and i am a very independent person, but i have to say, that seeing the turn out for this years election was amazing. It really showed that people care that this country is still for and by the people. We honored those whom are in the military by voting. We showed that our votes do matter and that we are one country. As long as you voted. If you didn't, then you don't get to complain when things don't go your way. It's as simple as that. It's not an exclusive club. Membership is guaranteed at birth in this country. So, wherever we go from here, however we do it, last yesterday was an example of democracy in action. So, have a seat and enjoy the ride.

Almost there.

Welp, i am fast approaching the 90day mark without a drink. I am looking forward to having a nice day of work and may buy something for my self as an reward. 90 days is an earmark for a lot of alcoholics. It show that we have weathered the storm of quitting drinking and are far enough into it to take it seriously. I went through an amazing amount of mental and physical pain over the past three months, but every day that went by things became better and more clear. I even have had the chance to make some artistic leaps with video and
music. Nothing groundbreaking but it sure made me feel good about my self. So i will continue to count the days and will be grateful for what i have as i reconnect with my place in the world. I may even make it out to do something social, as those anxieties have abated as well!
Ok, off to see the therapist for what i hope is the last time...