living instead of existing in repetitive nothingness.

The picture on the left is from a show I patronized late in 2010. The band: powerblessings.

Tonight, I was supposed to see HOTBLACK play but I decided to stay in and spend time looking at abandoned places and things of that nature on the internets. I also purchased a Cd by an old Chicago punk/hardcore band called OUT OF ORDER which has been in constant rotation along side Econochrist, Zach Hill, Miles Davis and The Damned.

I couldn't bring my self to go to the show tonight. It's one of the only paying venues left in the area so I am in no way disregarding it. I am feeling anti social. Much like an abandoned building.

That aside, I would like to extend the spirit of going to a show in the form of an email I had sent to powerblessings singer, Jon, a day after the show pictured above.

A note: My friend Hargis came with me and had never been in a punk show situation before. I have been in enough for the both of us and was happy to see how great he responded to the experience. I have brought friends to their first punk show before and have gotten reactions from both sides of the spectrum. Most of the people I hang out with are open minded but a few-a slim few- prefer their music way far away on a stage and not in their face where all boundaries are taken away.

Too bad for them.

Without further ado, the (enhanced) email:

I recently went to a VFW in Florence, Massachusetts to see some of my favorite bands of 2010 and some new favorites.

I was familiar with the place as I had been there for a Cd release show for The Prozacs and a Roller Derby Benefit. The hall part was empty while the first band set up and everyone was in the adjacent bar.

Hargis ordered a beer and a whiskey and I had a coke.

We looked at all of the old time war posters and memorabilia in the hallway, anxious for the thing to start.

I was really happy to see everyone. A lot of us do not cross paths as much as we used to, so time had to be made up at a quicker pace.

The show:

After some microphone and P.A. problems that were remedied we were ready for battle. Get it? At a VFW?!?!

Hoax opened with a fast loose set of hardcore punk that was just the thing I was looking for. They barely stopped between songs and the singer had really good stage presence and were well received by the crowd, which was quickly filling out.

Next was Gimlet Slip. Their harmonies on both vocals and with their instruments (they are a trio) were really good. They played a harder form of pop punk which was a good contrast to the nights line up.

I looked over at Hargis a few times and he was beaming with a wide, wide smile.

The band my friend sings for powerblessings was the highlight. I have seen them three times now and am really impressed by the group.

I was elated to have stuck with powerblessings and even if Jon and I weren't old friends i'd still be into them.

Hargis made me listen to their demos three times when we came back to Prewarcondition HQ.

Everyone seems happy to be there and I'm really glad Jon cares enough and anyone who sticks their heads out like this are glad that anyone shows up.

But it's really disheartening when Jon gives kudos to the Darg and the Darg is slinging them up in the bar and isn't even seeing Jon's band play!

Mr Darg-well into his spirits- had this to say to me during powerblessings set: 'dude, you could play those bass lines.' Really!?!

I guess I could. But I don't.

powerblessings sounds pretty darn good to me from where I was standing. I wouldn't mess with the formula they have now. It's just too good to be true to listen to some times.

I was happy to get another demo-one that was a bit better produced from their first demo 'You are a Gentleman.'

Don't get me wrong here. I love Darg. I love Peace Creeps. Their demo is fucking amazing. The song 'Cabbage Night' is one of my favorite pieces of surf rock/psycho-billy I've ever heard.

I just saw how hard powerblessings and ALL the bands did it this night and couldn't deal.

I also remember the sadness that I get a these shows, the emptiness I feel when I want to be the one making the noise or I want to get everyone to be more energized instead of just standing there bopping their heads.

That's why I left. Not in some confrontational way but I really think the Peace Creeps were embarrassed because powerblessings mopped up the floor with every other band that played on Sunday.

How could you play after what they subjected us to?

So that was it. Here's some thoughts and feelings from that night:

I really hate being in the crowd. I need to play in a band again. Quickly.

It sucks to stand there and not jump in somewhere, without feeling like a dunce.

But the cool part? This will never end. Anywhere and everywhere some kids are fed up and are still making a lot of noise. They are organizing for the first time or for the millionth time. It doesn't matter.

They are living instead of existing in this gray world of repetitive nothingness.

They are happy to not be around normal people. They are spirited and unique. They all have a new and exciting viewpoint to give and share.

I guess that's why, beyond supporting my friends, I go to these things.

I also feel lucky to have been part of whatever recycled wave of punk I was immersed in back in 1988.

Emasculation Part 1.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am not much of a man's man. I don't know how to play Texas Hold 'em, I am lousy on a grill and I hate fixing things.

I do however, have the man's trait of a good natured brow beating and am no stranger to making fun of my own faults and those of my peers.

I think the measure of a real man is the ability to make mistakes, learn from them and to laugh at one's self.

Too many manly men use force and brood too much. Usually about everything that is outside of their control.

My idea of fun is making a meal and watching a movie. Not clear cutting a forest.

I prefer to stay inside than try to conquer the world. I'll never be in a competitive eating contest.

Besides, I've seen manly men who are my age and they are a haggard lot.

I try to be fair in my judgments, even when i'm judging someone. I try not to stick out too far with anything I do. I learned early on to save the antics for the stage.

You are probably wondering why there is a picture of an obnoxiously yellow VW Beetle on this page.

The Subaru is in the shop for a major and expensive overhaul.

It is the rental car which was bestowed upon me by my mechanic.

And yes, that is a New York plate.

My mechanic has a sick sense of humor.

It's transportation. I need to get to work. In some circles I would be getting high fives and pats on the back for scoring a sweet ride.
The circle I run with...not so much.

I didn't get this car on my sweet sixteen birthday nor did I lose a bet, although I am afraid my testosterone is being robbed from my just thinking of the thing.

The Subaru is in the shop for a major and expensive overhaul.

I am dreading the moment that I pull into the parking lot of the warehouse where I work.

I cannot wait for the ball busting to ensue.
The fellas may go as far as buying me a daisy to put in the flower holder next to the steering wheel.
And these fellas also love their New England sports teams so the N.Y. tag will be oh so special.

And who's not going to notice? THE THING LOOKS LIKE IT'S WEARING A FISHERMAN'S RAINCOAT!
Jebbus, look at the freaking thing. It looks like it's smiling.

Do I want to drive a car that smiles?!?

The ride is nice enough but even my neighbor and friend Remi, said she couldn't possibly picture me getting out of the thing.

When the renter asked me if I wanted insurance I declined. Who could possibly run into this!?!

It looks like a giant zit, a safety vest, a kids drawing of a real car.

This is the 'un-manliest' thing I have driven.

I am going to order a double whopper with cheese and extra meat and I'll eat it in the damned thing, just to get the wimp stink out of it.

Anyway, I'll be 'riding dirty' in the sour patch car all weekend.

Try not to throw snowballs at me.

Burrito and used CD day!

Welcome to the best part of the week besides the Saturday nights: Thursday.

This day has me giddy from Sunday until now because I get to embark on two of my favorite quests: buying music and/or movies and getting a burrito.

Why just last week I purchased 'The Blasting Concept' compilation and a steak burrito.

The week before? The first Ep from OFF! and a bean and rice burrito.

Both were equally tasty. The Ep was a bit waxy.

Music has been getting a bit thin as of late, so I have made up for it by back cataloging some of my favorite bands. There are three choices in Northampton to buy music: Turn It Up!, Newbury Comics and Feeding Tube Records.

Here's me opining of these establishments:
I have been to Feeding Tube once. I purchased Black Flag's 'Live in '84' and Born Again$t's anthology.
They mostly deal in very heavy experimental stuff and a lot of it's on vinyl.

The selection is darn good if you dig a little.

I forgot my beard, glasses, tape loop, and paper mache puppet at the door, so I got some leers.

Turn It Up! is always hit or miss. They do have a pretty decent turn around on music. You have to wait until the last week of school or when a good amount of drugs hits the town. Then its SELL! SELL! SELL! and those of us who aren't in school or don't do drugs can reap the benefits.

Newbury Comics is Newbury Comics. It's the old record collecting uncle who sometimes has a good thing to show you, but most of the time wants to hang out. He used to be the coolest but now his run down shit hole of an apartment smells like B.O.

I'm glad Newbury Comics is in Northampton now because EVERYONE with any sense stay the fuck away from Amherst.

The first time I went to Newbury Comics was in 1989. We went to Boston, to Newbury Street. I purchased Black Flag's 'Nervous Breakdown Ep and Dead Kennedy's 'Nazi Punks Fuck Off!' Ep.

I'm still into the same music but now I don't have to drive to Boston, I only have to tolerate Northampton.

I try to keep an open mind when buying burritos.

I am a loyal La Veracruzana fan. That place has been with me since my first bean tacos in 1992.

If you want authentic Mexican food, go to LA Casita Azteca in Easthampton...the best hands down.

BUT were are talking about getting food in 'Hamp.

Bueno Y Sano is a favorite. i would haunt that place when Newbury Comics was in Amherst.

They go for more of a Tex-Mex fare. I can't disagree but i like to keep it real.

I usually switch between La Veracruzana and Bueno Y Sano to be fair but I have to go with the former any day.

Their beans are well prepared, they don't have gimmicky burritos and it's what you would get south of the border.

Alright for now. I have to go out and stimulate Northampton's economy.

I'm going to a new coffee place in Northampton today...wish me luck.

Email archives: Identity Crisis & Resolution.

Today's writing is an exercise in me reaching out to friends, looking inward and wanting to find more than the grind i've ground my self into.

The two emails below are an example of what I was trying to convey.

Photo: Embrace in D.C. 1986. courtesy of ?.

M---,

thanks again for the good cheers at ____ the past few times I resurfaced. I always appreciate your kindness and consider you a brother.

I have a certain, conundrum, or maybe even a feeling of being pulled in two directions at once and was wondering if you could help me.

I basically have two lives: one is the girlfriend, the soon to be house, and all of the other people that I’ve know since when ever.

These are my closer friends and ones I consider blood.

The other life is the music and ______ friends that I have, whom I cherish on a different level, but haven't really connected with, save a few people with whom you, H___, R___, and B___are included.

Many heavy conversations have been had with complete strangers there, most forgotten as the newly rising sun burns off the previous night's drink up.

I pretty much turn into 'musician wannabe Jeremy' when I’m around everyone and try too hard to fit in sometimes.

I seem to go through fazes of hanging around with music friends a lot, getting sick of that and then hang out at home.

I guess I’m the proverbial 'fair weather friend.'

Now, I’m not trying to fucking make you my psychologist here, I’m just trying to tell you it's nice to have an escape from the daily grind, and____ is an excellent example of a place to escape.

I guess I’m (gasp) becoming more mature and the social bullshit game doesn't really fly with me as much as it used to. I don't know.

But I’m still at a crossroads here and I want to be more social, but I don't want to give up on the great life I have built outside of the music culture that has kept me running for all these years.

But I am forced to look at the 'scene' in a more mature light as I am not the same punk ass I used to be.

In conclusion, I don't even know what the conclusion is.

I am reading this wondering why I wrote it in the first place.

I guess since you don't have the store any more, I can't come in and bounce this stuff off of you like I used to.

I know what I need to do: start playing my bass more often and try to record something.

Anyway, thanks for your time and maybe I’ll see you tonight.

Jeremy

I just fire this one off to M___, who works at the local bar I go to. I needed someone who listens and is rational to hear me out for a minute.

I just sent this to J__, a friend and comrade in the fight against the mundane:

J__, I hope everything is going good with you.

I have finally awakened from a deep intellectual slumber that lasted from about 2001 until two weeks ago.

This is going to be one of those gushy diatribes meant to say 'what have I done with everything...or...why did I turn my back on punk...

O.K. this new idealism started with a trip online to the dischord.com site. they have a media player and I was perusing. I came upon the solo works of Joe Lally-you must own both of his albums NOW-and a voice spoke to me that I haven't heard in some time.

It's the voice that I first heard on the first punk album I ever bought, it's the first voice that i ever heard in the first 'zine I ever purchased, it's the same voice I heard when we saw the first show.

It's the voice of empowerment, the voice of not being or refusing to be with this established order, and the voice of wanting to do things myself, think for my self and act on my own accord. Freedom? YES!

I stopped listening to this voice a long time ago.

My excuses were that i thought punk was for the young, punk was for the weaker that couldn't really accept that you get older and have responsibility. that punk was it's own destructive device and those attached to it are doomed from the start.

what i didn't realize was that but cutting out this lifestyle, i cut a part of my self out with it.

I then proceeded to fill my life with things that corrupted me, like drinking/drugging to forget, worrying about money, retirement plans and being a 'good' worker bee.

I voluntarily compartmentalized my self for the sake of convenience and the end result was regret, loss of productive time and the absence of reason, identity and freedom.

The other side of life I encountered is mundane, horrible, full of constant subjugation, self doubt and constant lies from everything around you. I bought into it thinking that it's OK to give in.

But the truth is, there is a lot to do and a lot to care about and even if the world is fucked right now, there are still beautiful things to believe in and to stand up for.

What now?

I've been listening to ALOT of the Embrace album, thinking about good things, getting my feelings back (ha!) and wanting to slowly but surely resurface as the person i used to be, only wiser and more aware.

what I want to do eventually is start going to shows again and see if I make the connection.

I'd also like to hang out more. If you are up for it.

Facebook only goes so far into the realm of human interaction.

O.K., have fun and I hope to hear from you!

Jer

Fast Food For Thought

Again in the same day?!?

I just unplugged my self from the 'social network.' I am no longer a Facebook user and dammit, I FEEL LIBERATED!

No more one sentence misunderstandings, no more creepy ads geared toward me in the right column (face it, that was fucked up) and most of all NO MORE CENSORSHIP!

Did I get censored?

No, I did not. On two separate occasions, my friends art was deleted.
That is two too many.

I thought to my self 'why don't you make you profile private so only friends can see the art?' but they did!

This is an outright violation of everything I believe in.

Since I joined 'FB' two years ago, I spend more and more time on the damn thing like some kind of loser. i don't need it any more. You get sucked in to trivial arguments, inane banter and worst, of all I leave with the same feeling after I eat fast food: physically full but oddly empty.

As though I woke up in an icy bathtub in Venezuela with a kidney missing.

There are other reasons too. You are reading them. They are called words.
I cannot and will not try to express my self in a sound bite, or advertise my life like that ever again.

I prefer a long narrative over a small blurb.
We live in a world of thirty second commercials and thirty second opinions and I find it disgusting.

Our use of this language has been hijacked and I won't be one of the hijackers.

There was a certain anxiety that I would feel every time I would log on to the FB. I equate this with the first time flying, that second when I left Terra Firma.

Questions persisted:

Maybe it was that rush of feeling that logging in gave me?
Am I addicted to Facebook!?!?

Why am I using this thing so much?

Who the hell cares about the music I just purchased?

Why doesn't FB promote a blog, but only notes?

Was I accomplishing anything by giving out all of my information to this FB corporation?

Why are these ads eerily close to something I just purchased online?

FB began as a simpler was to connect with people than the Myspaces. I found navigation to be better and there were little distractions. Now the place looks like Times Square.

When I was deleting MY photos out of MY profile today I discovered there were ads next to each photo. They were ads for crap I wouldn't EVER want to be associated with. It's as though FB has so may sponsors throwing cash at them, they are going to use every inch of space to accommodate this useless crap.

I am not urging any of you to stop using FB here, I just want you to know why I left and the feeling of anxiety that was gone from me the second I hit 'delete.'

So, that's it. If you want to find me i'll be here almost every day blowing hot air and probably joining FB again in a week when I start missing everyone.

Just kidding...

...how about this: give me a call. Let's hang out like we used to. I haven't even seen your new place and you haven't seen mine!

The best thing I ever made.

Around two weeks ago, Terri stopped me as i was going to the kitchen. She was holding on to the door of our funky bathroom, beaming me a look as though she had either broken my bass or had done something really cool. Well, the latter happened.

(We) are pregnant.

My biological part of the job is done for now.

I have been going through a roller coaster of emotions. I have been trying to figure out what it is to become a father and can only sight the two examples of dads that I have, my awesome father and my equally awesome step father.

But, it's something i'll have to work on and the eighteen to twenty year road ahead of me is going to be just as much of a learning experience for Terri and i, as it is for our child.

To tell you the truth, up until last Wednesday I was scared shit less.

That's when we went for the ultrasound.

Somewhere between the two cross hairs, is our embryo. Secure in a sack of amniotic fluid with a heart. A heart!

The little thing looked like a baby alien but it's a product of our love for each other and it's also the best thing I ever made.

All of my fears have fallen to the wayside. I am beyond happy and my goal until September 16th is to be there for Terri at the drop of a hat, maintain our home and learn as much as I can about children and being a dad.

I will be posting blogs (Matt you aren't the only one, Mr. Fancy Pants!) under the PRE WAR CONDITION moniker for you to see.

I think it's also going to be the name of my musical project...woah, lost my train of though here.

O.k.

Did the solar flare make us sick?

Good morning.
To the left of this text is a solar flare that erupted form the sun on February 15th of this year.
It was a massive surge of energy called an 'X2.'
X2 did a number on us, jamming radio signal and making Middle Easterners yearn for an end to dictatorship.
X2 was also a bad movie that came out in the last decade about a group of superheros that yearned for an end to dictatorship.

Isa this the first sign of the end of times?
Nope.
War and famine have been our guests on this rock for a long time.

If you found your cubicle farm a little sparse this past Tuesday, or the parking lot of your favorite taco restaurant was a little sparse, it's because we were all really, really, REALLY sick.

Intense intestinal pain, aches from every joint, I was afflicted by the bombardment of photons that instead of making me into a superhero, made me ill.

I began to think; maybe those of us who became sick from the flare are genetically inferior, and the sun itself is into eugenics?

Maybe there is a god and it's the sun? I don't think i'm the only one who has subscribed to that ideal.

And while we're at it, why am I trying to explain this impossibly ludicrous theory?

It popped into my head. It's as simple as that.

Which may or may not be because my mind is under the control of the sun and it chose me to send it's message to the people via Blogger.

I may be the only one who can save humanity from utter extinction!

For now though i'll just pass this whole thing off as having the bug. My workplace had a slew of chandlers calling in during the past four days.

I was home for Monday and Tuesday. I was curled up in a ball in the bedroom drinking warm seltzer and eating pale foods like bagels and bananas. I still have the feeling of weightlessness in my belly and am taking it easy.

I just thought this writing exercise would be a bit of fun.

I hope everyone is feeling well!

Emotional Area Rug

I'm 'laying out' another blog. I think this one will really 'tie the room' together. You will all be doing the 'shag' once i'm done writing.
Contrary to what the title suggests, this is not about area rugs. Emotional content yes, but not about rugs.

To the left is a cup of coffee. It looks like it is served in a cup from one of the thousands of diners that are in New York or New Jersey.

I've had the occasion to use these cups twice. Decades apart from each other but the experience is the same.

Why did I choose a picture of a coffee cup?

Because, my dear friends, I am showing you the one true vice I have chosen to keep on imbibing of.

The reasons for not wanting of drink are simple:

1) To be there on the journey with Terri and to be up front and clear through the happiest moments of my life.

2) To be in a healthier state of mind and body. To hopefully gain some clearer understanding of my self so that I may pass this clarity unto my child and in a greater way, learn more my self.

In the past i've made bold swathes of the art of drinking. It's my friend, I hate it, leave me alone. That kind of childish prodding that was on the surface of a legitimate problem.

Problem?

Yes, the problem was not of the drink itself but of boredom.
I am not want of routine and tying one on felt a lot better than flipping through channels, surfing the internet or listening to the crushing silence around me.
I got a rise out of the buzz. I would feel more free and more in control of my emotions and my expressions. That easy way out comes at a heavy toll of hang overs, short temper and lack of interest in anything but the next buzz.

I am not going to position my self away from anyone that still drinks, nor am I going to wave some banner of 'sobriety' or even use the word again, except to use it once, here.
But these aren't somber times, these are joyous times.
I am simply choosing to take my own path for once and gain back some of the momentum I used to have.
Conversely, I am not going to tolerate going out and having you or anyone chide me because I want a soda. Many a time I've fallen prey to that king of behavior and it's childish to say the least.

I am not going to be an emotional area rug for you detritus.

We are all fully responsible for our own actions. I am not here to advocate anything. I am not here to sell you anything either. I want to evolve on my own terms and I also want to stand up for myself because soon enough, I will have to stand up for more than my self and that means everything to me.

I have a lot of 'what ifs' to contend with and on no certain terms am I going to let my guard down lest some thing happens to Terri or the baby. Which won't because we are awesome.

Someone once told me to keep it simple. To not clutter your thoughts an actions with too many emotions or quick decisions. Someone else wrote that emotions were nothing but politics.
I made a list that is on my fridge of the things I want to concentrate on:

#1: The family
And in no order:

Cooking

Writing

Music

Friends

Movies

As the snow melts outside and the icy world comes to pass, as the warmth of summer tickles Terri's ever growing belly, I will be helping to grow another human being. And come September 16th, I hope to have a healthy, beautiful child to show the world to.

Raise a glass of ? to that!