By the time I get to Massachusetts.

This is a synopsis of the past three weeks.

Week #1- after a grueling week of work I decided to head to Providence to see my best friend, Hargis. I left work at 10 P.m. in Deerfield, Mass. and made it to Providence at a little after midnight. My cell phone had died and i didn't have an adapter so I used a pay phone for the first time since i don't know when.

We stayed up talking and made the bottom and second down from the top pieces of art that you see on the left.

We had one of those conversation strings going that had us both awake until five thirty in the morning. We were also trading music duties on Hargis' stereo, so we were both introduced to some great music. Day two was a wake up at around one in the afternoon. Hargis' neighbor Carrie, a student at The Rhode Island School of Design, was working on her final project with her husband Josh and his dad. It involved making a massive photo by using the sun to develop said photo. The sun eluded us eventually but to have witnessed a project as well as making my own art, stirred something in me. As though a great dam had been broken, my creativity levels rose and started flowing again.

We spent the rest of the night trading stories again, making the third piece of art down on the left, watched Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, we tried to make some music but there was massive equipment fail going on, and ate some pizza.

It was really nice to get away for a weekend as I have not been outside The Pioneer Valley since September.

Week #2: I ended up with the band Problem With Dragons in their van, on the way to Worcester, Mass. as they were playing a show at a place called Ralph's with none other than Yucky Octopus, HOTBLACK and Planetoid. On the way we saw the super moon, which was cool.

I took a picture of Rob and Joe in the front and my flash went off. That was the only picture I took of the night.

Ralph's was cool. Joe and I played pinball, I bought Cd's by yucky Octopus and the new Planetoid.
PWD was great, Planetoid was as epic and awesome as ever and Yucky Octopus is becoming one of my favorite bands as they nailed it.

The club is pretty cool looking, old and worn in but wearing it's history with pride.

The drummer for PWD and I had cheeseburgers in the diner part of the club. The burger was really good and hearty, and not that expensive. We missed HOTBLACK's set because it took too long for the food to arrive. The weird thing is that all around us in the diner was the same person, split up in to female and male groups: the men had a winter cap in, wore all black, had beards and horn rimmed glasses. The women were all styled after Siouxie Sue. Hey, it's punk rock, dude! I want to be different just like everyone else! I'm only stating this out of revenge for the clones at the table behind me I overheard saying 'i think those two guys are cops' and for the crude paper airplane I found on my sweatshirt. I gave it back to them. They must've dropped it.

We got lost on the way to the highway and ended up in a war zone. I have two things to say about Worcester: FUCK and YOU. You're not Boston, you are a dung hole.

Week #3: I ended up working last Saturday for four hours. Blockbuster in Northampton is going out of business so I checked it out. The prices aren't low enough yet so I'll check back on Friday.

Terri and I had our friend Tom over on Saturday night. Like week #1, it was full of conversation and laughter. We haven't had a guest over in some time and the house was the warmer for it.

On Sunday I had one of my first milestones as a home owner: I bought a shovel. It doesn't sound like a lot but all of the holes our dog Jackson had mend in the back yard needed to be filled. We also swept up all of the sand in the front walkway, and did some yard work. We are looking forward to getting out back yard together this year and having some nice get garden parties.

Terri and I went to her mom's for dinner. Her sister Jen, was there with her three children: Isaiah, Gloria and baby Darnell.
It turned into 'dad 101: class is in session' for me. I held Darnell, I learned how to feed Darnell, I watched Darnell being changed. Gloria was on my shoulders as I walked around the house and I was happy that she isn't as shy around me as she used to be. Isaiah-who's 10- and I talked about video games.

And now it's Tuesday. I am heading to work and then home to relax and possibly catch up on some much needed reading. I need to also listen to the records I purchased over the past two weeks.

Sorry this seems bland and informatively cold. I just needed to write today and let it all out.

www.planetoidmusic.com/

www.myspace.com/problemwithdragons

www.myspace.com/hotblack

www.yuckyoctopus.com

The Best Thing I Ever Made Pt. 2

Welcome back to another installment of 'the baby'!

We just returned from a harrowing trip to the OBGYN and we listened to the baby's heart beat for the first time.

Terri is twelve weeks pregnant, which for some reason means that on Friday, the baby will be 10 weeks into it's development. This means that it is almost two and one half inches long, has developed it appendages and eyelids as well as fingernails. The heart rate was really good and we were psyched when the doctor said 'no irregularities' but the best news was that our first results from the Down Syndrome testing are negative!

Terri actually blew the numbers out of the water, as far as the birth ratio on both tests which were completed.

We are going for one, more complex blood test that will be more accurate in two weeks. This is a great relief to us because we are both in our late thirties and were at a higher risk of the baby having the above problem.

That said, the picture above was from an ultrasound Terri received last week when she was getting the Down Syndrome test.

The baby's head is on the left and it's obviously camera shy because it has an arm in front of it's face.

More thoughts on DNA/genetics:

I can say that Terri and I are very lucky to be genetic 'mutts' or 'Heinz 57's'. Natural selection dictates that the next generation will have all of the best parts from the last...as long as the gene pool stays deep.

And we have most of Europe covered.

Which is a good thing.

I'd hate to see an entire culture or branch of our species birth it's way off the map because of exclusivity. That would be a shame, SWEDEN.

You know what i'm talking about. HA!

So, in two weeks you'll have another photo and in the mean time will have to deal with me posting blogs about being young and fancy free. Or whatever else I'll be ranting about on any given day.

Creating the Illusion of Greatness.

Terri and I spent the past weekend watching movies and bad television. i almost played my bass...but ended up in a 'Throwback' Mountain Dew coma...I blacked out on the stuff and ended up washing the dog, making spaghetti and vacuuming the house.

I was out of control.

We also ate the most wonderful meal at Sitar in Springfield, Massachusetts. Great Indian food, the best!

Here' the movie round up:

Movie/comment: 'The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest'(Pictured)/excellent third movie and great conclusion (?) to the story.

MacGruber/Oh, I get it.

Sisters/ fucked up ex-conjoined twins love triangle.

Most of Taxi Driver/do I even have to say anything?

Now, I am waiting to make chicken soft tacos for lunch and Terri is buying for Faces in NYC today. i am jealous of her ability to travel for her job as i have been anchored to the same grey, dull warehouse for the past three years.

I am going to leave you with some tidbits from my journal I've been writing since 2007. Have a good day.

Just nabbed this quote by Clive Barker from an interview:

"Repression can be a form of self-sacrifice. We all have our own personal experiences that gnaw at the backs of our minds with flickering tongues, but the trick is finding out how to silence them."

Basically, we all have this mechanism in our selves that I think is the trigger for the ‘fight or flight’ response. This quote is a prime example of how to put self doubt into the back of your head and get on with what you need to be doing or thinking of at the time.

I am a card carrying member of the self doubt club. I will say though that the more I squash down this doubt and carry on with my chin up, the less these evil worms burrow through my confidence.

I think that Clive really nailed it on this one.

All of the anguish and pain that I suffer unto myself on a daily basis-the need to maintain a balance in my head, the constant need of the outside world’s demands on all of my senses, and the loneliness I constantly feel even with friends around-compounds into a lot of frustration and energy drain.

So I go for a walk.

This clears the old noggin and lets me focus on other things besides my problems. There is nothing like a bit of exploration to get ones mind off ones mind.

These lyrics from the band Rites of Spring, song ‘End on End’ are right in there with how I feel today:

I’ve had days of end on end

Where nothing changed cause nothing began.

Restless movement in an empty room,

Gathering shadows of a darkened blue.

And oh- it feels so strange- when it comes again.

Cycles of end on end, edges begin to blend, time

Following time, a pattern becomes defined.

I had a feeling from end to end.

Tried to catch it before it started again.

Pushed it away to force a laugh,

But inside I didn’t have the breath.

And oh-it feels so strange ? when it comes again.

But I’ve got it now,

I’ve got the rhythm down.

Cycles of end on end.

But if one wave stops, another begins.

End on end on end on end on end on end on end on end on

end on end on end on end on end on end on end on

end.

This song has meaning because sometimes the days of work/home/work bleed together and won’t relent.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

And the only way I can break this endless knot is by creating and making things, writing and making music. These things literally stop time.

Don’t believe it? Try it.

'Politics are for people with nothing better to do with their lives.'

It’s not fair right now for me to waste any words with anyone and to just get straight to the fucking point.

I keep hearing excuses from everyone around me.

Long winded wastes of time drawing from and coming to the same conclusion. I can still hold on to my point even when I’m drunk. Seeing these people make excuse after excuse and back track because they ‘don’t want to offend’ or ‘have their place in things and don’t want to rock the boat’ is kind of wearing on me in a big way. Get to the point? No, Get to the point!

Challenge those around you to do better. Don’t settle for the comfortable way around. Plow through the damn thing-whatever it is- and gain some strength, knowledge.

Don’t just let me plow over you and expect me to hold my hand back or slow down so you can catch up with me because it won’t be there. Sorry, I’ve done the ‘remain stationary’ thing for far too long to care to go back. It made me fat physically and passive mentally.

I am just starting to regain my strength and want to follow through this time.

I will shed the weakness around me as quickly as I shed these pounds around my waist. I will shed all the useless words and thoughts until I become ready for anything and happy to face the challenge.

Complaints?

You won’t hear any from me. If you do, it’s because I am not going to let my shield down for one minute and let the weak in.

The weak.

They know they are weak. They want everyone else to fall in line with their weak, lazy asses because they are afraid they will have to accomplish something.

Fuck you and your weakness. Fuck you and your petty little psyche games that you pawn off on everyone like you are some kind of shit dealer.

I don’t want to hear it at work either. Just do the fucking job. It’s not that hard and the longer you have been doing said job, the easier it’s supposed to get.

We’ve been maxing out at around 50 hours a week for months now and you still complain that it’s not fair.

You know what’s not fair? The fucking unemployment line. Cancer. Tsunamis. Katrina. That is unfair. The fact that you are socking away all this loot while someone with a fucking B.A. is flipping cheeseburgers. That’s not fair.

So shut up, be a man and take it. No one has room for your fake ass male bravado and your cheap shots at things you don’t understand and are actually afraid of.

‘The responsibility of the artist is to transcend the human ego.’ Hubert Selby Jr.

That should do for now...

A day in my shoes.

So many of you wrote in asking, 'You are fascinating! Tell us about your day!'

I am loathe to deny you any request and i'm happy when a flood of emails threatens the entire internets, so here is what happens to me every day:

7:00AM- I awaken when Terri does and usually go to the bathroom, then go back to bed to either watch television until I fall back to sleep, read, or stare at the ceiling until I nod back out.

9:30-10:00AM- I awaken with a powerful thirst for coffee. I put on pajama bottoms, think about what I am going to wear today and what I am going to forage for.

I turn on the computer an begin the four step process of grinding and making my coffee. The smell of the fresh coffee always ensues with how do we say my 'morning glory' and I head to the Thomas J for some quality time.

11:00-11:45AM- I surf the internets, read other blogs, check out the Yahoos and the laughingsquid.com's. i also try to put together thoughts or ruminations that may or may not become a blog. On Fridays I will usually upload yesterdays Cd's to the iTunes/iPod.

11:50-12:10PM- I let out Jackson and cleanse my self, getting rid of the sweat and Chinese dust from the container I helped unload the night before.

12:20-1:00PM- I will have kenneled the dog, made some kind of half-assed dinner and dressed, shaved, brushed by now. I will pour the rest of the coffee into a travel mug, selected the days iPod musics and head out he door to battle in traffic with this state's notoriously bad drivers.

1:10-1:30PM- I arrive at work and will either sit in my car to have lunch or sit in the break room at the warehouse while gestating. i will scan the WORST newspaper ever-The Recorder-to see what kind of crap is happening in the next county nearest to mine. I will feel better about my self because of how much I've made fun of the paper.

2:00PM-4:30PM- We break for lunch until 4:50PM. i will eat either a snack or a full meal. It depends on how hard I worked in the past two plus one half hours. I will also complete the daily puzzles in The Retarder.

4:50-7:30PM- We break for dinner at 7:30PM an I will eat again. Now I become restless because there is nothing to read and the book I've been picking through (Clive barker's Sacrament) is too engaging to scan for twenty minutes. I start to make fun of our youngest co worker for being from Franklin county. I tell him Greenfield is the Chicopee of Franklin County.

7:30-10:00PM-Toil, Toil, Toil.

10:00-11:00PM- since I don't drink, I usually end up at Stop and Shop to pick up a movie and a snack. I will also buy some fruit for the next days meals. I have always loved to go grocery shopping and still marvel at the abundance and variety of choices.

11:00-3:00AM- I will either read and listen to records, watch a movie and/or television or use the internets. Programs of choice lately: Portlandia, Southland, Parks & Recreation, Bizarre Foods, Good Eats, Futurama, Louie. I HATE commercials, so I try to find these shows on the internets.

3:00-7:00AM- I pass out on the couch and/ or bed after fighting with the dog to get him into the kennel.

A rousing trip through the life of my self. Now that I look through what I have written, I really need to incorporate some other stuff in my life. Like the bass that is gathering dust or the weight bench that is now a clothes rack.

Thanks for reading this and if you did, I am sorry for wasting your day.

'I need a vacation from my self.'

We all have a job to do. Your job is something you trained for or something that you fell into, to sustain your life style.

I am in the latter category.

I like my job, most of the time. I usually find the mental and physical challenges stimulating to say the least. I work with a small crew of five, including my self. We take care of an entire warehouse between the hours of two and ten P.M.

Having been at my company for over eleven years, I am beginning to show major signs of burn out.

No matter what great morning I went through -especially Thursday- my mood sinks as soon as I hit the parking lot of the warehouse. I eat the days foraging, sinking ever further into the little ball that I become when I am getting ready to clock in.

I used to extend hellos to people, now I just shrug or say 'hi' quickly and don't make eye contact.

I lead the stretch break with mild enthusiasm, and then we begin the process...the same process.

The same brown boxes being moved. The same dreary grey warehouse and the same sameness over and over again.

UGH.

Which is why I propose this, my friends.

A sabbatical.

An employee should be evaluated for job fatigue by out Human Resources department an told they need to go on a sabbatical. We should be given an alloted amount of time to return to work and to re evaluate and reflect on our job and our position at said job in the first place.

My job has a leave of absence program, which is nice, but there is no guarantee any more that your job will be there when you return.

Personally speaking, I could use a solid three months off. I am due for another cross country trek. The last one was in 1993 and it left me with enough memories to last well into the 2000's.

I need a reboot, badly.

It's not enough to tell my self: 'you have a baby on the way, stay the course. Don't try to get another job because the economy and job market are crap. Don't forget how great he company is for you monetarily.'

Even that ideal in some but not all respects, has become burned out.

I could go on tour as a roadie for a friends band. I could get in my car and drive, drive, drive. I could see Chicago again. I could finish writing my music and help get the house in order. I could really push my self to become more healthy than I am now and regain my focus. I could enrich my self through learning, music, art, culture again without having to arrange those pursuits around a work schedule.

But reality is a cruel bitch. We have to do the things we do.

Most of us do that thing for someone else. It's just one of life's little inconveniences.
It is also, in some respects, what makes us who we are.
To mess with that line of reality in my circumstance could have an effect on more than my self. I remember that every day and it keeps me grounded and it makes me less selfish.
So what I really need to do is try to focus on the better things that are going on in my life, remembering why I am at my job: it lets me have everything that I have.

Which is why I and a couple of billion others rise to the occasion. To fulfill someone else's orders, to move someone else's product, to make someone else's meal, to take out someone else's garbage, to mend someone else's fracture, to govern someone else's land, to harvest someone else's food, to feed someone else's kids, to fight someone else's war.

If i don't do this, someone else will right?!?