the quiet earth.

i started writing again because it is my only outlet to communicate my feelings and thoughts.  thank you to the three of you that read the last post.now then, it has been a month since i last imbibed, and i have to say, that things haven't been great.  i keep having these anxieties and have tried to seek help, but due to my schedule, it is hard to find someone.  i want to put a lot of things behind me, and i'm in a holding pattern so far.  which is a good thing.
i have been reading the A.A. book, and will read it all the way through-just to give it a chance- but it really is not for me.  the part where the first ninety days is a test, is something i will use from the A.A. book, and i will go back to the many testimonials now and again. but in my opinion, unless you are really fucked and have zero willpower, then avoid it.  the main focus now is to just ride out the next eight weeks and try to work on my re-integration into the world.
but what world?
what did i leave behind from my drinking days that i don't do now?
see, slowly drinking became my number one priority and i let friends and companions fall to the way side.  it was a slow and barely noticeable process, but i am now alone.  some of you may or may not understand this.  i have always been a loner and i have been loathe to be in public for a good long time now.  i feel that drinking has some to do with this, but my underlying problems are at the core of my inabilities.  i guess i miss the fact that i had lots of friends and was involved in their lives at some point.  i miss the late nights and the laughter.
but what i don't miss is the total confusion, the back stabbing and the laziness that came from me and from them.  the 'i miss you, we should hang out' only to not notify me that your band is playing down the street. the worst is the 'i haven't seen your kid yet, but i am so happy for you' and you live three streets away from me.   my friend robot is the only one who sends me messages every time he is doing sound, playing or having a party. he has seen my daughter and has always been cool to me (even when i almost break his vintage guitars) and is a true brother on all levels. i have to say too that Onge has always been here reading this, and letting me know what's going on.
the rest of you?  i don't know.  i really don't care either.  i think that it's not fair that i had to suddenly take you in and listen to you grovel when your girlfriend dumped you.  i had to be there every time your girl dumped you and i had to sit on the phone for an hour hearing you say the same thing three different ways.  i used to get invited out, but am out of favor due to the stupid hive mind mentality your gaggle decides to utilize every time i didn't inflate yours or your friends ego.  

yeah, it's harsh.  but i've always been a pushover.  i have always been a follow along door mat and i really don't need it anymore.  you want to hang out? you want to really have a conversation or figure things out? you really want me to come see your band or show? then commit to it.  don't say one thing and have another thing happen. i am trying to balance being sober, my job and my family right now, so i don't have time for maybes.

all i have now is my family and my music.  i am bitter and full of energy.  these things have always been a volatile combination for me.  i need to create to keep the balance.