o.k., as of six p.m. on August eleventh two thousand and twelve, i had my last drink. i will be three weeks without alcohol as of six p.m. tonight. the reason? i was starting to develop this strange pattern of wanting to drink massive quantities of alcohol just to feel normal. i was becoming irritable to terri and was in general hiding behind the alcohol to cope with things i didn't really want to cope with. that said, in the past, i have bade bold sweeping statements about my drinking and have boasted, brayed and lived off the word 'sober' until it beat my mind into drunk submission. this time was way different. i came off of my second binge since our trip to the cape in early July. i won't get into specifics, but on a tuesday night, who drinks a six pack of hard cider and has four shots of whiskey? i had to tend to elsie in the morning and then go to work. and i did all of that, without any emotion and any feelings. how convenient, huh? a great thing that levels one's crazy thoughts and emotions out and permanently buries them deep down...um, not really. i was masking my emotions and my obvious depression with alcohol. so not only did it really start to take it's toll on my almost forty year old body, it was killing me via burning me out. so i decided that enough was enough. i spent my last friday getting pleasantly drunk and wanted to save two beer and a shot for the inevitable on saturday. i needed the last bit, because my hangovers were of the severity that having a little alcohol in the afternoon would even me out. i had one last shot and two beers and called it at that. now, since i made the conscious decision to quit and am sticking to it, my mind and body suddenly decided to go against me in a fashion i wouldn't wish upon any enemy i may have. the physical effect had all but diminished, but i have been on a mental roller coaster since quitting. my mind was so used alcohol and it's numbing effects, that it will be a bit before i am fully operational. and there are the emotions, that pratfalls of thought, that come screaming at me from all directions at once. help has been called in this department. i just don't want to end up back in the hospital for an 'extended stay' again as i did a couple of years ago.
so, my worst fear was that i would do some permanent damage to my brain. i've seen and heard others who have 'wet brain' and it scares me to be stuck in that permanent loop.
i don't think that i have that sort of problem though, because even though i have consumed two lifetimes worth of alcohol, i have always been very mentally astute. as an aside, this is a trait that i can see, which has been passed on to my daughter, as she is wiser than her eleven months.
in conclusion, as much as i am doing this for my self and am trying to work on being my self and giving as much as i get instead of trying to consume and assimilate everything, i am doing it for elsie. she is the reason for me to be a good dad, and to remain clear for her so that i can teach her and she can teach me about life.
i only have one shot a being a good parent, and i want to do it in my best way possible.
goals: short term: make it through each day, knowing that if i have even one drink, this horrible cycle will kill me. long term: get back into music, start a band with like minded people. return to school?
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