#100.

hi everyone.
you know, a lot of us have been or are just starting to or will go through the metamorphosis of quitting the drink.
some of us may label ourselves as sober, an alcoholic, addict etc. and carry the weight of that label until who knows when.

i am a proud 'alcoholic.'

i want and have been striving to become more than that: the self that uses kindness, patience and understanding to deal with living. the self that i always dreamed of but due to faulty wiring, couldn't.

the ' i can't do it' and 'sobriety is too hard' gets replaced with 'what's next!?' and ' i can handle this' and:
'even if things suck, at least i'm clear headed enough to know that i am good enough for my self again and i am kicking addiction's behind by being the example i know i've always been.'

in my opinion, it's a fucking cop out to give in to your own weakness by acting like a wounded victim because you don't have a crutch like alcohol to mask your real problems anymore.

no more teetering on the edge of relapse.

no more feeling ashamed or lost because you can't have the bottle.

no more counting moments instead of living them.

no more consent to weakness.

no more looking down, or away.

no more 'i can't.'

my armor is my clear mind. my weapon is my new found understanding.

(if i can remain clear, anyone can.)

visuals 2.

attentive. (i'm better one on one.)

last night i went to a friend's party and enjoyed my self immensely. there was food and enough booze to stun an elephant.

ha. it was a cool casual time and everyone was socially drinking. not like the old days when...never mind.

of course I stuck with a dangerous concoction of red bull mixed with a 32 oz. vitamin water. it was basically an taurine overload
there were three major events that made last night:

1) i finally saw a few cover songs from the band i missed two fridays ago. they played in my friend's basement. it was cool a as hell and worth showing up.

2) an old friend had gotten oil paints from his wife for christmas and right out of the gate is amazing. the skull paintings he created were photorealistic. he's got the gift.

3) having my one on one conversation with a dear friend for an
hour after i was supposed to leave. i
had a great time catching up with dan and wish i had more time to talk one on one with robot, but he was hosting the party and was really busy.
i felt really good to have a normal conversation and was able to express my self to a true friend who didn't care if we did or didn't drink. with these guys it's all about the good time and not the buzz. i had forgotten that.

so i was able to see some rock and roll, said hi to good people and saw some great art, and figured out that i am more of a one on one person when it comes to interaction.

i did make it home by midnight. we had a busy day on sunday and all that was left to drink for me was a fresca.

and that wasn't going to happen.

$20 hat. 5 sandwiches. 100 posts.

20 dollar hat.

the dog wouldn't come in.  elsie stared to run amok.  i needed to fill my travel mug  with coffee.  i needed to get elsie to grandma's so i could  go to 'hamp and buy lunch and a talking heads cd.

i forgot my hat.

my hair sucks lately.  i am balding really badly in front , so i have grown everything that's left up top and have  kept the sides and back short.  i comb my hair forward and so far so good...with a hat on.

the wind picks up and i suddenly look like i'm about to lose my toupee.

i am going through some serious hat withdrawal.  like when i lose my burt's bees lip balm.

such is mid life.

i need a hat.

acme surplus just has cancer hats.

deals and steals had fancy dapper hats and camouflage baseball hats.  um...no.

i ended up at newbury comics and purchased a blue plaidish hat with a small bomb logo on it for 20 dollars.
i liked the subtlety of the bomb logo and it doesn't look bad.
it's treading close to dad hat land though.
the company is 'the hundreds.'  i didn't realize that they were a bit hipster for my tastes, but it covered my head and i had a hat and it wasn't my usual black hat gig so i'm working on trying new things out.

5 sandwiches.

they had a luncheon for us at work today.  big deli trays full of sandwiches for us to eat in thanks for making the company almost 200 million dollars in the first quarter.

everyone was bummed out today, so i kept going around pointing at random people and saying 'you get a free sandwich' to brighten them up.
good stuff.
the rolls were amazing.
we were on the second break.
we were told to have more as there were heaps of sandwiches left.

i had five sandwiches.

that was two over what i should've eaten.

never turn down a free meal.

100 posts.

this will be the 96th post i've made on PRE WAR CON DI TION since it's inception.

my hope is to have the 100th one in the bag by monday.

i am not going to fill the next four posts with crap so i can squeeze it in on my days off.  if something cool occurs, i will post.

i really want #100 to be special, so i may try another video or so.  who knows.

thanks  for being here with me the whole time... and keeping the blog fire burning with me.

stay tuned.

(90) more days.

today was ninety more days of me not drinking.  it was part of my 30/60/90 plan to follow, to make sure i am in the clear of wanting to use alcohol.

it worked (again.)

i have given my self permission to feel how i want to, to not transgress my emotions or viewpoint or  reality as i have perceived it as of late, and it paid off in spades.

having a semblance of self control has given me a window into a world that i had long forgotten and  it has aided me in making more rational decisions based on actual criteria instead of instinct.

i have used this new tool, to come out ahead on situations, to sway a disagreement or to challenge an ideal.

with that, i have also re learned tact.

as a newly tactful person. my peers-especially at my workplace- have come to me with their queries, problems and just to share a laugh.  this connection would not have been in place if i was still inside a bottle and i guess that is what i am grateful for the most, as far as my emotional maturity is concerned.

i leave you now with a simple promise.  i promise that i will listen to you when you talk to me now.  i promise that i will be attentive to your feelings as well as my own, and i mostly promise that the good me is back and is really happy to be here again to share in living and laughing.

i don't want to write (90) more days ever again...

..unless it's something like '90 more days until elsie is back from the ISS working on a warp converter.'

...or 'ninety more days until my band plays Wembley Stadium again.'

a beer in the refrigerator?!

i was supposed to go to florence mass. to see my friends play some music tonight at a bar but i really didn't feel like it.
i miss my buddies from back in the day and all of the misadventures we had.  what a bunch of characters. truly some great people.
i really wanted to connect with the guys but it would've ended up like it did a few weeks ago when i went to westfield mass. to see music:

i show up.
explain that i don't drink anymore.
awkward feelings from myself and others.
i see some great music.
some people start to become wastey and somewhat annoying.
i exit early to come home and write about it.

i'll go out again and it's not because bars have booze and the temptation would be there blah blah blah, but to be honest with you, i have absolutely no interest in getting drunk nor do i have any want of alcohol.  tonight i just want to sit and think about my next moves, where i want to be a year from now etc...

i just don't want to have to give the whole: 'the kid is fine, yep i'm a wimp because i don't drink-no i can't have one, your breath stinks-yeah, work is fine and i'm bored of this already and can't hear a word you're saying, hey why didn't we just go get a burger at the diner and have some discourse and wok on something like an idea?' type situation that i have avoided as of late.

man, that was harsh.. these are pretty good guys and my problem isn't theirs.  i have to write these things out though, i need to purge my self of these thoughts.

i'm spending the night drinking iced guayusa and watching the rest of season five of star trek season 5 on netflix.

the crew of the enterprise-d are very good company, well versed and very entertaining.

but then there's the title of this writing....what was i referring to?

there is a beer in my refrigerator.  it is a cold can of miller lite.  oh dear it's it's for the beer can chicken i'm cooking tomorrow for dinner.

i went to the local package store on monday, walked to the singles section and paid $1.25 for it.  it's been in the fridge ever since.  i can't wait to have it as part of the recipe and what it will add to the moist flavor of the chicken.
i gave a lot of thought as to what i would use instead of a real beer for the chicken.  i could've used a can of non alcoholic beer, but the little alcohol-which will burn off at the temp i cook the chicken-will help break down the proteins in the chicken a little and will also help render the fat.  using a non alcoholic beer would have tasted as good but wouldn't have done the job.

i went into the package store to buy something to cook with.  i didn't even think twice about the beer or any other alcohol in the place (even typing this right now, my stomach is turning) but what application it would have in a recipe that i've cooked many times before.
the only other time i thought about the beer, was when it fell out of the refrigerator and onto the floor.

i think that it should be noted that i have made a lot of progress with myself and the drink  i have passed a certain point where i no longer think of the alcohol or it's effects or what it supposedly gave to me in any fashion.  i have moved on from the need for escapism and have fully given my self over to 'the now' and the
need to be part of more than feeding into the little bubble i existed in for so long.


once you free your self from the thing that holds you down and decide to stand up on your own two feet, the best is always yet to come.

it's still only 1051 pm.....nah...

Guayusa:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guayusa

visuals.