Email archives: Identity Crisis & Resolution.

Today's writing is an exercise in me reaching out to friends, looking inward and wanting to find more than the grind i've ground my self into.

The two emails below are an example of what I was trying to convey.

Photo: Embrace in D.C. 1986. courtesy of ?.

M---,

thanks again for the good cheers at ____ the past few times I resurfaced. I always appreciate your kindness and consider you a brother.

I have a certain, conundrum, or maybe even a feeling of being pulled in two directions at once and was wondering if you could help me.

I basically have two lives: one is the girlfriend, the soon to be house, and all of the other people that I’ve know since when ever.

These are my closer friends and ones I consider blood.

The other life is the music and ______ friends that I have, whom I cherish on a different level, but haven't really connected with, save a few people with whom you, H___, R___, and B___are included.

Many heavy conversations have been had with complete strangers there, most forgotten as the newly rising sun burns off the previous night's drink up.

I pretty much turn into 'musician wannabe Jeremy' when I’m around everyone and try too hard to fit in sometimes.

I seem to go through fazes of hanging around with music friends a lot, getting sick of that and then hang out at home.

I guess I’m the proverbial 'fair weather friend.'

Now, I’m not trying to fucking make you my psychologist here, I’m just trying to tell you it's nice to have an escape from the daily grind, and____ is an excellent example of a place to escape.

I guess I’m (gasp) becoming more mature and the social bullshit game doesn't really fly with me as much as it used to. I don't know.

But I’m still at a crossroads here and I want to be more social, but I don't want to give up on the great life I have built outside of the music culture that has kept me running for all these years.

But I am forced to look at the 'scene' in a more mature light as I am not the same punk ass I used to be.

In conclusion, I don't even know what the conclusion is.

I am reading this wondering why I wrote it in the first place.

I guess since you don't have the store any more, I can't come in and bounce this stuff off of you like I used to.

I know what I need to do: start playing my bass more often and try to record something.

Anyway, thanks for your time and maybe I’ll see you tonight.

Jeremy

I just fire this one off to M___, who works at the local bar I go to. I needed someone who listens and is rational to hear me out for a minute.

I just sent this to J__, a friend and comrade in the fight against the mundane:

J__, I hope everything is going good with you.

I have finally awakened from a deep intellectual slumber that lasted from about 2001 until two weeks ago.

This is going to be one of those gushy diatribes meant to say 'what have I done with everything...or...why did I turn my back on punk...

O.K. this new idealism started with a trip online to the dischord.com site. they have a media player and I was perusing. I came upon the solo works of Joe Lally-you must own both of his albums NOW-and a voice spoke to me that I haven't heard in some time.

It's the voice that I first heard on the first punk album I ever bought, it's the first voice that i ever heard in the first 'zine I ever purchased, it's the same voice I heard when we saw the first show.

It's the voice of empowerment, the voice of not being or refusing to be with this established order, and the voice of wanting to do things myself, think for my self and act on my own accord. Freedom? YES!

I stopped listening to this voice a long time ago.

My excuses were that i thought punk was for the young, punk was for the weaker that couldn't really accept that you get older and have responsibility. that punk was it's own destructive device and those attached to it are doomed from the start.

what i didn't realize was that but cutting out this lifestyle, i cut a part of my self out with it.

I then proceeded to fill my life with things that corrupted me, like drinking/drugging to forget, worrying about money, retirement plans and being a 'good' worker bee.

I voluntarily compartmentalized my self for the sake of convenience and the end result was regret, loss of productive time and the absence of reason, identity and freedom.

The other side of life I encountered is mundane, horrible, full of constant subjugation, self doubt and constant lies from everything around you. I bought into it thinking that it's OK to give in.

But the truth is, there is a lot to do and a lot to care about and even if the world is fucked right now, there are still beautiful things to believe in and to stand up for.

What now?

I've been listening to ALOT of the Embrace album, thinking about good things, getting my feelings back (ha!) and wanting to slowly but surely resurface as the person i used to be, only wiser and more aware.

what I want to do eventually is start going to shows again and see if I make the connection.

I'd also like to hang out more. If you are up for it.

Facebook only goes so far into the realm of human interaction.

O.K., have fun and I hope to hear from you!

Jer