'You're going to be such a great dad.'

HUH!? WHAT?! Did you just say that to me? On the other end of the line? Are you a time traveler? If you are, did I manage to grow my hair back when you went to the future to see me being a dad?

Alright everyone i'm not kidding when I state this but I have no idea on how to be a dad. Shocking, right?

I think the main reason-and stop me here if you don't follow-is that I'VE NEVER BEEN A PARENT!

'You're being too hard on your self.'

'When you see your daughter for the first time it will just click.'

'You're going to be such a great dad.'

'You have the easy part.'

I am loathe to condemn anyone for stating these things I just wrote because of the fact that you are just being nice and it's your way of giving me 'big ups.'

Forgive me if I remain scared shit less.

But I am well on my way to finding out how to be a good parent, father etc.

This past Sunday at my step nieces birthday party, eight month old Darnell was placed on the floor in front of me after he had been fed and changed. After watching him babble at the floor and rattle his comically over sized plastic key chain toy, I decided to punt him across the...wait, I picked him up and placed him in my lap, assured that he would not poop all over me.

The coolest thing happened; I was gently rocking back and forth in the easy chair, and he slowly went backwards onto my chest, out like a light.

Parenting is easy!

I could get used to this. Darnell was out for almost an hour! I like to lie around and nap all day. And if our baby needs that contact and observation while she sleeps, I'm the one for the job!

Oh wait, there are the seven billion things that I need to learn about.

But I have a list of things to remember:

1) I've seen other people that have spawned before and my mental facilities are in much better order than they.

2) I'm not alone in this. My parents had a baby or two once. Or so they tell me.

3) I have been learning to try to stay calm in any situation. I'm going to need this as my happy place.

4) I have to be more careful in my decisions and actions as they not only affect Terri, as she is a capable human as am I, and a baby is defenseless against the world.

5) I'm sure there will be days when i'm at my wits end; but I've already been at my wits end and I know how to stay away from there.

6) I have refused to grow up and still hold a lot of the spirit of being young, so I'll be able to stay one step ahead of our girl at all times. (Yeah, right.)

O.K. the last one was a stretch at most because you never know what's going to happen being a parent but you can be assured that something WILL happen.

And the other 6,999,999,994 things will come naturally, right?

The other is the 'Team Awesome' moment.

Scenario #1: It's a nice summer evening around 6 p.m. I strap on that baby carrying-over-the-chest thing and harness the dog. I decide to go to Mt. Tom's down the street for some much needed sugar and head out. My friends are heading out of town in their van to gig and being the confirmed-bachelor-rock-stars-living-at-home they are, decide to point and laugh as they drive by on another adventure i'm going to miss out on.

My reaction? Rock on guys! I'm going to get ice cream with my daughter and my dog. 'Team Awesome' rolls on.

Now, I should feel left out. I should feel like my life is over and I have nothing to show for my self. What my friends in the van don't know about, is the great day I had showing Elsie a bunch of really cool art deco. And how we listened and danced in the kitchen to The Clash. And how more and more she's looking at me when I talk to her and brush her face with my hand.

Scenario#2 Miss Know It All:

Wow super educated lady we're encountering. You've had two kids and aren't using you degree from Smith that your parents paid $200,000 dollars for because you married a doctor. Now you are now trying to tell me what I should feed my kid, and how i'm holding her wrong, and that I should be less of a dad and more of a parent. HUH? If you want to approach the subject of parenting, please start you critique with: 'What I like to do...' or 'Can I make a suggestion..' not 'You need to do this...' or 'You don't know what you are doing...' because I don't want to get upset around the baby at least until i'm told that i'm 'the most unreasonable dad on the planet' because I won't let my now 14 year old daughter go to the 30th anniversary of The Warped Tour.

I'm really positive that your nanny gets frustrated too when you dole advice to her as you're heading out the door to pilates class.

O.k. so I went on a bit of a stretch on that last one. But you get my point.

In 'i'm getting old' news:
There's been massive rain down south. In Louisiana they were talking about opening a spillway to ease the swelling of a river. The last time they did it was 'almost forty years ago.' I was in bed watching the CNN's, engrossed in how that happened so long ago.

Then they showed the township that was part of the long ago flooding. Look, there's a piece of wall with a line on it where the water level went! Wow, that high! Oh and OH...the date above the line was 1973. The year I was born.

My heart sank just a little as I'd not been confronted so abruptly with my age before.

It used to be to me that the 40's and 50's were a long time ago. I now run in to people who are twenty and don't know about the L.A. riots or Reagan getting shot or Pac Man fever(they do wear a Pac Man t-shirt though) or The Challenger blowing up. Or the rise and fall of The Clash or Jonestown.

But I digress. We were much more free back then and our parents were freer. There weren't as many trappings socially and fewer distractions. A kid could be a kid back then and not a product. I just hope that my Elsie doesn't become one of these little brats that seem to be everywhere these days, clacking away at some stupid phone and wearing way too revealing clothes for her age, butchering the English language and demanding we shop at the mall for clothes.

Spoken like an old man!

Photo: unknown.

An assault on the senses?

The allergy gods have spited me once again.

Every morning over the past two weeks, i spend an hour in an itchy-eyed, stuffy whirlwind.

There seems to be no escape in sight!

But the cavalry does come in tow forms:

1) Each day the rotten crap outside dries up and the trees stop trying to mate, is one day less of this hell.

2) Loratadine.

As depicted in the image to the left, I went all the way to Russia to score some. Which isn't true at all.

I will have to give this wonder drug an a++ in the effective test. It really works and doesn't make me feel homicidal like Benadryl did.

It's been a half hour since I took 10mg of Loratadine and i'm already not itchy and my nose isn't as plugged up.

One thing that sucks is when a person loses or has half their sense of smell, they also have half their sense of taste. I love to cook and especially love eating, so it's been a bit of a drag.

In other news:

IT'S MOTHER'S DAY. Call your mom, she misses you.

Yesterday I went to a plant sale at the Vocational High School and was part of a bizarre right of passage called 'the picking of the plants.' I know very little of plants. My favorite kind of plant is the jade. It looks like it was made on the set of the original Star Trek. There were lots of people at said plant sale and they are not like me. It's some kind of down home countrified scene. There was even a quilt raffle!

In all fairness I scored two 'New Guinea Impatiens' as my patients was running out.

I would honestly like to get into making a garden, and I even managed to get two habanero peppers out of the six plants I planted at my last apartment.

Welp, now I am being forced by the mother to be verbally to get my ass in gear.

And I just was told that i'm re-potting the impatiens.

HARUMPH!

Elsie Maureen

Here she is, folks! I hope that you can make Elsie out in this picture. She is doing well but as the warm weather hits us, Terri is already showing some signs of wear.
I have a feeling the air conditioners are going to be installed a little sooner this year.

I want to thank everyone who sent me messages after 'the big announcement' and i'm sorry that I wasn't clear in the fact that Elsie isn't done cooking yet, as most of you thought that she had joined us upon this mortal coil.

I'm very timely at doing things, but not that timely.

The most important thing is that Elsie is healthy. I was going into the ultrasound with the only thought in my head being 'I hope the baby is healthy and is doing well.'

There isn't really much 'Elsie' (HA!) to say on the subject. I now wait and wait and wait and get the house together and buy more baby clothes for her. I purchased five little outfits for Elsie the day after we found out. They have giraffes, bunnies, ice cream, butterflies and such as their print. I'm sure our daughter will appreciate that we have cute printed clothes for her as she spits up all over them.

But such is life.

My mantra on diapers and messes: each time will be one less time it happens.

Or so I think.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice.

Now that I've re-read the title of this post, it would seem creepy...IF I WASN'T HAVING A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terri has the pictures from yesterday's ultrasound. I will post again as I gush to you, dear reader, about becoming a dad.
Our dog Jackson, howled a mangled 'I love you' to both of us when we returned home as he could sense our ecstatic behavior.

I am overly entirely blissful about having a daughter.

Having a daughter brings a whole new dimension to having a child. I am not the swiftest person when it comes to the 'female mind' so raising a girl from the ground up will be scary and interesting to say the least.

I am going to try to be the best male role model that I can for her, so that she can be strong and independent. She already has that deeply encoded in her DNA due to myself and Terri's fierce and strong codes of individuality.

Statistically speaking though; girls mature at a faster rate than boys, tend to be on the more gentle side of things, have bigger brains and have a better learning curve than we males, for the most part.

I am also happy to not have to measure the sheer destruction that a boy-and I did it too-unleashes upon the world. HA!

Her name?

Elsie Maureen Fowler.

The first two names are my grandmother and Terri's grandmother respectively.

Oh, and the ultrasound went well. Elsie has a great strong spine, her heart rate is right on the money and her little face is looking good. Her legs and arms are looking good and she even has a little rump.

I really don't know what else to tell you except that this is a very proud moment for me and nothing could shake the bliss of finding out what she was going to be

and now I don't have to say 'it' any more.

Are girls made of sugar and spice etc...?

I don't believe so. I grew up bereft of a mom, (I love her deeply and am proud of her 20+ years of sobriety) so when I went to college I decided that i'd put my best foot forward and learn as much as I could about women, women's rights and equality. I met some really great people who opened my eyes and heart to how great and positive it is to be female. Most of the women I encountered were strong minded, educated and well versed in their thoughts and opinions. We would listen to records and talk for hours about our differences and mostly, what makes us all the same.

I am glad of those times and am equally glad that I can bring those moments back to the front to raise Elsie.

I am by no means a meat and potatoes kind of guy but at the same time, if I can reiterate, I want to be a strong, positive role model for Elsie so she can be the best that she can.

In closing for now, I'd like give you a short list of the women who shared their time and patience with me and/or inspired me by their actions:

Thank you: Margaret Rooks, Moira Rutherford, Mom, Katherine Jen and Flower Thief, Riot GRRL! Western Mass.,Maggie Nowinski, Elspeth, Mom, Grandma Elsie and Aunt Edna, Rumeli Snyder & Christina, Barbara D., Anya Baum, Leah Urbano, Adrienne Droogas, Kira Roessler.

In Absentia.

Sorry guys, the candles can wait.
I need this day to my self to quietly take care of a few things around the house. I need to sit in total silence and maybe play with our dog, Jackson. i need to walk to 7-11 and return the movie I rented last night. I may buy a Slurpee. I want to open the windows for a while until the rain comes. I want to make some dinner for Terri and the baby. I want to go through some of the recordings I have made through the years to see if I have enough stuff to make an album.

I'm going to call in a little after noon today. I am feeling the anxiety of 'doing something i shouldn't,' but then realizing that I am a grown man and have the choice.

I was going through a bunch of stuff on Saturday in my basement.

It is where I found the four track tapes I mentioned before. Two of the tapes I found were live recordings of the band MARCONI BEACH that I was in with Jon Bartlett of powerblessings and Jack Brown of The Advocate(he does movie reviews) and what ever that gypsy music thing he plays in is called. I see him around The Motherland walking his beagle all the time. You may remember MARCONI BEACH or not.
We were pretty good.
I had not visited these sounds in years and they took me back to when I moved back here from Boston in 1999.

The tapes I listened to are from the early and later incarnations from when Alex left for Seattle and John T. came in on drums.
I was imbibing at Hugo's one night a long time ago and during a conversation a young lady mentioned a band from the area that was considered 'Northampton's version of The Clash' which was very humbling. We even covered the song 'police and thieves' by the aforementioned band when we played our first show at a loft above Fresh Pasta.

I remember the bass line of the song was hard to get a wrap around but when it did, it sounded great.

These were very simple times. Long nights talking at John T. the drummers apartment, skating at Smith, sharing a table with strangers who became friends in the smoky air of Hugo's.

We would play shows at The Baystate, Northampton Bowl, Mystery Train and the old Flywheel.

We would play with bands like Pop*A*Wheelie, The Strippers, Surgeon's Photograph, Claudia Malibu, The Coopers The Inskirts and The Figments.

I remember playing at the old Mystery Train records and saying, 'were are we going to play?'
And someone saying, 'right where those huge,heavy record bins are.'

To which i replied,' who's going to move them for us?'

'We are, why?'

But the show was amazing.

I remember when we slowed one of our songs down and it really came into it's own. We all had that 'a-ha!' moment.

I remember John T. kicking my butt every time we played The Wu-Tang clan video game.

I remember how great it was playing at The Northampton Bowl and how spacious the room was.

I remember when we played The NMF at six o'clock at night while it was still light out.

I remember eating and clowning around with the guys at The Blue Bonnet before we'd play in John's living room at eleven a.m.

I remember practicing behind Thorne's when we were getting our sound together and some homeless maniac wanting to jam with the band on his harmonica.

I remember our fifth member-but not his name-and how he would add all of these crazy sounds to the bottom of our music.

I remember how great it was to be a part of something and to play in a band with my best friend in the world years after we had been in our first band together.

I remember the craziness of recording our demo at the old Slaughterhouse. It was funny going back to the Slaughterhouse in 2007 to record a video as a zombie and to see it was in some way, still a huge part of what happened around here.

I remember our last show at the Flywheel and how cold it was outside and when we packed everything up, it was over.

This was a grand chapter in my life and i'm so grateful to have been a part of it. I am happy that I was around The Happy Valley for the lean times of music in th late '90's. We were all that each other had and any band-even if they had completely different sounds-would share a stage and laughter.

And there was a lot of laughter.

photo: Acroprint model 125 time clock. Courtesy of J.D.Honigberg International Inc.

Oh, and by the way: Pop*A*Wheelie was one of the most underrated bands ever.

You are not what you own.

Everyone likes reading, listening to music and watching movies. Everyone has some sort of collection they can boast of; their favorite book, their favorite movies and genres and their favorite album, band show.

You get the general idea.

I have recently made some purchases. Mind you they were all at a discount, but purchases just the same.

Here are my recent music purchases:

The Clash-UK version of their first Lp. A very gritty combination compared to the U.S. version that I've had for years on tape. The line up of songs is vastly different but it flows together in a way that has a greater impact on the listener. I also enjoyed the care that was put into re mastering the songs. This was the way we yanks should've heard this album. It speaks of England's strife in the late 70's in a gritty but eloquent way that only Joe Strummer could've done. I am also very impressed with the guitar play between Joe and Mick. CD

Big Audio Dynamite II: The Globe. It was only three dollars. I rescued it like a lost dog. CD

Faith No More-The Very Best Definitive Ultimate Greatest hits Collection. I bought this on Amazon.com for the b-sides. 'Das Schutzenfest' is now my new anthem. An excellent collection but they didn't include 'The Gentle Art of Making Enemies'? Eh?CD

CRANK: HIGH VOLTAGE SOUNDTRACK. My hipster ranking just fell into the negatives. Don't Monster drinking wrastling loving idiots like movies like this? I don't care! The first movie was intentionally over the top and the sequel didn't dissapoint. Plus the soundtrack was orchestrated entirely by none other than Mike Patton. It's as chaotic as the film. Maybe a bit more. CD

Black Flag-In My Head. Waaaaay back in the stone ages this was the first punk tape i ever put money down on. But to call it punk is not doing it any justice. This album is a mother fucker to contend with. It's heavy, jazzy, chaotic, beautiful and one of the ugliest things the Flag ever made. I am very eager to drop the needle and listen to this one with more mature ears.

And to think, Bartlett wanted to trade his tape of Suicidal Tendencies 'Join The Army' for this when we are at school? I think not my friend. LP.

Here are some books i've been reading:

Sellevision by Augusten Burroughs. Why do i want to know about the world of t.v. shopping? I don't. I love Augusten's fiction. His characters are always a riot and this one doesn't let you down in the least bit. The weaving of characters keeps a swift pace throughout and you are always wondering what will happen next.

The Butt-Will Self. This is supposed to be a story of a man accused of using a cigarette but as a weapon. All the while he's trying to quit. Or has? Then it turns into something like an updated version of 'The Heart of Darkness.' I'm still about done with this on and i think i'll go back to Mr. Self's earlier 'The Quantity Theory of insanity.'

From Aaron to Zoe: 15,000 Great baby names-Daniel Avram Richman. i picked this up for $2 at the Goodwill. What can i say? It is literally 7500 choices for a boy (we have the girl's name picked out) How odes Ivar sound. Domokos? Marcin? Rance? Swinton? Wenutu? Harcourt? Lister? Otek?

And did you know that during WWII, the name Adolph became unpopular?

I wonder why.

Now it's movie time: I'll give you a listing because a) i'm getting hungry and b) i haven't watched these yet but tell you why i purchased them.

My Son, My Son, What have Ye Done- a tragedy with a bit of a twist. Werner Herzog directs and David Lynch produces. Also, it stars Michael Shannon. You should check out his movies.DVD

Teeth- A troubled teen finds she has teeth in her va jay jay. And then she kills guys by chopping off their shnocker with it. Crazy kids and their shenanigans. It was $5. DVD

Fay Grimm- Hal Hartley's sequal(?) to his best film, Henry Fool. As a die hard Hartley fan, I am excited to see the action unfold. DVD

Movies i've seen but bought on Blue Ray because i'm a fancy pants and love eye candy:

Apocalypse Noe Redux- i mention Heart of Darkness before right? Well here is an example of some of the best film making ever. I've seen this movie a bazillion times and this will be the first in high def. It also comes with 8 hours of bonus features. I know what i'm doing tonight.BR

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus- I didn't find the story to be very engaging but wanted to see this in high def. Pure eyecandy. And Terry Gilliam has th best use of the Cinemascope camera since I bought the movie 'Expired.'
Watch 'Tideland' or 'Time Bandits' if you want the real Gilliam Effect. BR

Silent Hill- Yep, another video game made into a movie. This one is a motherfucker. it's just an insane nightmare that will look really good in high def. Terri hated this movie when it was on the Showtimes, i would always continue to watch it captivated. Don't ask why but i love this film.BR

photo: Joe Strummer. Morrison Hotel.

Art or Humor?

Hello again,

Recent uploads from the flickr.coms can be found here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/23632423@N02/sets/72157626320792379/

Call it art, call it humor, call it what ever you want.
You may have seen these before or not!