visuals.

later that night.

so, i went to my first a.a. meeting since 2007.

i'll admit it: i was nervous.

i heated up some coffee and headed out on the arduous trek...next door to my house.
i showed up at the community center and found my seat in the outskirts.
the main tables were already taken by what looked like an established crew.
everyone was pretty cool.

i think the atmosphere was chilled out due to the fact that EVERYONE IN THE PLACE WAS OVER 50!

i couldn't believe it. this was crazy. the folks there were all...older.

how am i supposed to make friends and meet my peers when they and i only have one thing in common: we are alcoholics?

ok. there was one younger woman there. she brought her dog and was text messaging most of the time. next.

i know beggars can't be choosers, and the 70 year old ex marine guy was funny as hell, but i really need to find a few people that i can grow with who won't befriend me, so i can bust my ass hauling their stuff around because they have a bad back.

i'm going to a way more focused meeting next sunday in northampton.
i am hoping that something will pan out.

i have ZERO interest in drinking alcohol, i just want to be around sober people or people who at least don't drink and want
to have fun.
i'm not going to relapse or anything. sobriety and i have become good friends.

i had been reading the damn book for a while and figured that i could get a conversation started or bounce some ideas around.
instead the meeting was very regulated and went by quick.

anyway, i hope everyone had fun today.

i made some killer corned beef and cabbage even though el didn't like the corned beef.

at least she liked the potatoes.

a stiff dose of reality.

as the night progressed i became restless.  twelve thirty rolled around and then one thirty.  terri was late from her night out with the old roller derby girls.

i held my judgement at bay and tried to think about how she doesn't have a drinking problem and also how terri never goes out anymore to unwind.

finally she pulled in at around one forty five in the morning.

i pretended to be asleep.  i didn't want to start a conversation at that hour.  i wanted to fall asleep and think about the morning and getting our daughter from her grandmothers.
terri was extra lovey to our dog and i, and then i went to the bedroom with her and she soon fell asleep.

i was not able to go down so quickly to dreamland, so i ended up watching an episode or two of star trek: tng on my phone.

terri was breathing on me.  she brushed her teeth but it didn't hide the alcohol.  i put up with it.  i put up with it due to the hundreds of time i must've stank like a brewery or distillery when i decided to roll into bed after a night out on my own too.

i wasn't ready for the next day.

terri was severely hung over and was sick.  she didn't drink to excess and paced her self, but was very sluggish and ill.
i had to take care of everything all day.  i had to watch elsie and make dinner and do laundry and drive to the store and all of these things that i needed terri to help me with and she was sick on the couch!

but i didn't complain.

i just shut up and dealt with it.

this one time.

this one fucking time to make up for the thousands of times i was too hungover to be a part of our life together or away from her and elsie because i was still chasing the false promises that the bottle was giving to me at the time.

today sucked tough.  terri and elsie are at the second biggest st patrick's day parade in the state.  i couldn't make it due to the fact that there is going to be way too much booze and drunks around.  i chose not to go because i'd be a judgmental-on guard-bum out and didn't want to ruin anyone's good time.
i had anxieties about being alone.  i had anxieties about terri and elsie going. i'd had anxieties about anxieties and if i've learned one thing it's that sometimes i should read my red flags and know when to stand down.

mostly i am having anxieties about the fact that i have chosen to finally attend an A.A. meeting right next door to my house tonight.  i have been very lonely and want to be around other people like my self.  it's really hard to be around drinkers-even socially- sometimes.

 it's not the booze pressure  i can handle others drinking, it's  the fact that as the evening goes on, the quality of conversation and any progress goes out he window to outright silliness.

i want to participate more in living activities instead of idle activities and i want to reach out tonight to see if other feel the same way.

the only bonus from this is being able to write, and i get to finally see the movie skyfall with the subwoofer on.

kaboom.

later.

later.

it's later than usual and i need to get some sleep.

lately, i've been watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on Netflix.
i'm well into season one and it is really taking me back.

i have been into Star Trek since i was very little. in fact, it's what got me into science fiction. actually, my dad got me into science fiction at a young age. he always encouraged exploration and knowledge, so i was given this gift by him early on.

another fond memory is of the old Scientific American magazines that he had neatly arranged in white cardboard holders.

i would flip through the magazines looking at pictures of space, graphs and more stuff that i didn't comprehend at such a young age.
flash forward about thirty four years and i now get to instill the same sense of wonder on my daughter as my dad did with me.

we have already explored space via youtube and have done flyovers of terra firma on the ISS.

she looks in awe at how vast everything is.
or she just likes the pretty colors and flashy lights.

the other thing i gave been doing is having my lunch at home instead of eating at my job before I start.
it is so much better to have time to my self and to eat in peace without any distractions or other people's problems.
i'll eat in relative quiet and then roll into work in time to say hello to some of my peers and get down to business.

in all actuality, things have been very calm and relatively easy over the past month.

but then it's late. i have to go to bed now.

Gunland!

Yeah. I'm chiming in on the whole gun control issue.
Here is how i feel about private ownership of automatic assault rifles: go fuck your self. No one needs one. These automatic machines are meant for killing as many targets as quickly as possible. They don't belong in our hands. Wait! You say: the amounts of deaths severely under weigh the amount of gun owners! Yeah, but the slaughter of twenty innocent children says enough is enough in my book.
It's time that we joined the rest of the human race and give up this conspiracy laden, paranoid attitude that the world is going to shit and we'd better all stock up because that muslim in the white house is turning us all into socialists. REALLY?
The world has been turning to shit since i could remember, so more aggression and more violence and paranoia is the answer?! Meh.
Anyway, i have a solution for all you whacky gun nuts out there: GUNLAND.
It's an shooting range on steroids. You rent whatever guns you want and get to shoot your ass off. Want to fight in a doomsday scenario: there's an area for that! Urban combat your thing: go through Main St. Baghdad! You can be a door gunner in 'Nam land (the Huey is wheelchair equipped) or have a tank battle
In Rommel's sandbox.
Want to kill and intruder? Try Intruderzone!
The place will take up roughly five miles, be cordoned off all around by fifty foot abutments so you can live your gun fantasy out and be back in time for dinner.
This will keep the guns in one place and everyone will be happy. The place will have almost every gun ever made, so maybe each day could be an homage to each war?
So there you have it. Instead of guns everywhere in the hands of people who clearly aren't ready to appreciate such power and responsibility, you have them all in one place, shooting and bragging-just like in the movies.
I have to go now and burn my copy of the second amendment. It was meant for pioneers who needed a good rifle for hunting, and defense against bears.
Not this overblown, used to be hippies and taught us peace and understanding but and had all the fun and left the world in shit for MY generation and are now tea party weaklings.
Twenty fucking children. And the NRA and it's lobbyists are still only worried about their bottom line. The president of the NRA sent in his second man because he knew how much shit he was going to get for it. How fucking weak.
GUNLAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring the kids and meet Gunner the Clown! Fuck balloon animals! Balloon guns! Mommy, Billy got an AK and all i got was a stupid Beretta! Shh Billy, there is enough ammo to go around! Careful with the the recoil on that Mac-10!!!

listing.

since this is a fresh start for me, i took stock of a few things as this week progressed.

1.  i was on an energy drink binge that was borderline addictive.  the stuff was like the booze: i needed more and more to get the effect.  so i have limited my intake and replaced with less caffeine and more water. i have balanced out.
2. no matter how frustrated i have gotten over the past week, i put it in stride to concentrate on my actions over my feelings.  too many times i have let my feelings at that moment decide what my actions will be.  the two usually don't align.  i am reprogramming my self to use an emotion for any certain circumstance.  and i am also working on empathy.
3. i am enjoying the things more, that i used to think defined me as boring.  movies and video games are back in the fold.  but only after elsie is all set.
4. my mom told me that i needed to learn to be my own best friend.  i have learned to take everything i do as really awesome and that i am one cool person that is happy with the world.  this has helped tremendously due to the fact that i can only effect and change what i do.  if i look at my actions in the positive, they will be positive.
5. i have returned to my therapist.  well, the first of this year is tomorrow.  it should be fun as the end of last year and the loose footing at the start of this one should make for entertaining stories.

I am going to leave you with this quote from anonymous, that i carry with me: 

'The challenge is to suspend the Meta thinking long enough for the moment to take over.'

relapse into reason.

150 days sober down the toilet.
no.
i don't want to look at it this way.
i want to learn my lesson and move on.
the rundown:  sunday: terri is getting ready for two days away on business in nyc.  elsie is going to stay at her nana's a couple of towns over, so i can work and come home un interrupted.
terri and i get in a row about something.  i've been really pushing at her since new year's day.  basically i am on my high horse and need to get knocked off.  the whole mess ended with her telling me that she didn't care about me anymore or what i did.
nana comes to pick up elsie on monday.  i already know that i'm not going to work.  sweet: a full day or two to my self with no obligations.
i go to the supermarket and it hits me.  i rent a movie and i already feel my self sliding into my old 'who gives a crap' mode and the next thing you know i'm in a liquor store buying a pint of Stolichnaya vodka and a six pack of Newcastle.
i hid it really well in our reusable bag and crept up the stairs so that the bottles wouldn't clang together and my tenants wouldn't hear.
it was a beautiful afternoon.  i could have taken the dog for a walk, but instead i set a land speed record by drinking four beers and almost the full pint of vodka in about three hours.
i watched a movie and then a bit of another and then blacked out.
two hours? three hours passed...maybe?
i woke up and immediately wretched the booze and the one slice of pizza i ate before i drank.
i then drank some seltzer and  went out to purchase bad fast food.  gorged myself on that, poured the rest of the vodka out and had enough.
o.k. i can't drink.  but then even a seasoned drinker would've gotten sick.  it didn't even feel good to feel wasted anymore.  it felt wrong and it hurt.
i spent the rest of the night and most of the next day in bed.  i must've gotten sick three or four more times.
before you feel any shame or 'bad' for me: don't.
i did this to my self.  i chose not to work. i chose not to use my resources to deter drinking and i was the one who bought and drank the stuff.
here were the triggers:  having the one person in the world you love more than anything and feel like a king to be with tell you that you don't matter, kills your drive.
even if i pushed her to say this, i decided 'fuck it' and if she didn't care then i wouldn't.
the lesson:
1)  i obviously can't drink anymore.  or even think i can.  it just isn't in my realm of reality.
2)  my actions and deeds are very important and i need to think about what i do and say to others. i need to be more responsible for how i present my self and how i want to be seen.
3)  i need to let go of this preconceived notion that i am somewhat better than everyone else because i don't drink.  everything isn't just going to fall into place because i put the bottle down.
4)  i need a hobby.
so there it is.   i learned my lesson and i don't care about counting days or any of that anymore.  i care about trying.  that is all.  i fell.  i scraped myself off and am on my own two feet.  i am going back to therapy and am looking forward to keeping my chin up, being proud of my work  and most importantly of my family.
because the trade off of three hours of drunk versus two plus days of recovering is just not worth it.