helpless.

do you know what really sucks?
it's when someone is down or sliding down a dark path and you cannot do anything about it because of proximity and because of the rule.
what is the rule?
that in a situation like the one i'm in now, having someone control your addictive behavior and try to cure you will not do a damn thing, compared to the person helping themselves and re learning to stand on their own two feet.
it's called empowerment.
it is the driving force and the reason that i am drinking key lime seltzer right now and not ale and whiskey.
the fact that the person in this world that i grew up with almost died and i can't do anything about it, is killing me inside.
the fact that when i talked to him and told him that he should listen to EVERYTHING the doctor's are telling him to do and he was more worried about getting back to work-is killing me.  the fact that  i talked to what seemed like the shell of a man instead of the person i've known and loved my whole life took so much out of me today.
it hasn't been confirmed as to weather his passing out and subsequent seizures were a result of drinking or exhaustion or diet or whatever.
i am not going to pry.  i wrote in my 'empty nest' entry about his last visit and how the booze distanced him from me and the rest of the family, so i'm leaning in the direction of alcohol abuse. BUT I CANNOT DO A THING ABOUT IT.
only he can change who he is.
putting pressure on him will only make things worse.
being sober is a very fickle beast to try and tame.  you are taking a large amount of time being numb and feeling nothing and BAM! it all gets shut down in a day.  the ride is over...now what? this is soul crushing and only the mentally prepared and those who are willing to commit can survive.  how did i do it?  my family. my home.  having this little one around who listens and watches everything i do and say.  i want to be a good example for her and i want to try to make my relationship work and grow with Terri.
i gave up a lot to even be sitting here writing this out.  that feeling that i needed to have every night was replaced by curiosity and pulling in the reins on my crazy thought process.  also letting go of all of these anxieties that when put aside and dropped, weren't mine to carry in the first place.
i found out where i belong and i have a new sense of purpose because of the fact that another life depends upon my actions and the decisions i make now effect more than my self.  very, very powerful stuff when you think about it.
please, if you know my brother, think of him today for a moment.  he's still carrying a heavy load and it broke him.

if there is anyone who deserves a pass, it's him.

sickness.

the little one is sick. she and terri are at the pediatrician. i am here hoping for the best and getting ready for work. speaking of which; i was trained to operate the beast to your left.  it is a Turret Truck as made by the Raymond Corporation.  the thing is 20ft. high and 30ft. long.  it is a pain in the ass to maneuver, but is easy to control.
now i am fully trained in every piece of equipment that my company uses, save the tractor trailers.  it has taken me over thirteen years to accomplish this, so it is a sweet reward for all of the hard work.
elsie caught some sort of cold that has been going around, shook it for the most part, and it came back with a vengeance. the funny thing is, she is only congested when she sleeps and is active when awake, except for some runny nose action.  i was baffled by this from the beginning and that is what gave me cause for alarm.  it's not that we are the kind of parents that hear a sniffle from our kid and rush to the emergency room.  we waited the appropriate three days and her symptoms did not subside.  what a sport though.  she still wanted to have fun last night, even after we used the bulb plunger to clean out her nose.
other than that, i am looking forward to the weekend, as my friend and tenant is celebrating his 33rd birthday tomorrow night, even though today is his birthday.  hmm, today...history is showing that we kept on creeping and creeping more into japan's territory well before pearl harbor.  we were taking island after island and it pissed the Japanese off.  so they had to attack before we really did damage? the verdict is still out on that one. anyway, i know my friend is getting a copy of The Dark Knight Rises on Blueray so he'd better watch it with me, dammit.
other stuff: it's been 118 days today.  i have to try to cut back on my soda consumption as it's giving me a gut.  so much for two liter sundays!

Video test.

this is my first attempt at a video blog.  i am really not interested in processing my thoughts via this method.  since i have the ability to use this format, i thought i'd give it a shot.
i will probably only use this feature to show videos of my daughter, like the one i filmed using my iphone of her falling asleep in her highchair this morning.
i love the typed format and the images that are conjured using the brain, instead of an opposite perspective of something being filmed, through a filter that someone else created.
such is life.
thank you for watching the video, and any feedback would be appreciated.

empty nest?

as you can see from the title, our little one had her first sleep over last night.  she stayed at her grandmother's a few towns over, as terri had work in nyc and i have to work until 10.
it was a big step...for elsie and for us.  i felt really sad knowing that i wouldn't wake up with her right next to me, smiling and ready to take on the day.
i'll see her tonight and the briefly tomorrow before she gets picked up again. such is the life of working parents.
it was weird waking up today without elsie here.  i mean it was like she never existed and the past fifteen months were all a dream.  i looked into her room and saw all of the things that make her happy, i looked around the living room and at the three dvd yo gabba gabba set that i purchased for her and was happy that she is part of my life.
the choice on having her stay over was very practical for all of the parties involved.  we all would've been that much more tired and cranky if this didn't happen.  hell, i even stayed up until about 2am last night.  a rare occasion indeed.
so, that is is.  the first tingling (or sting) of the empty nest.
here's another thing for someone-you know who you are:

we were looking forward to seeing you last saturday.  we were looking forward to you interacting with you niece.  but you couldn't.  you made a big deal about being able to drink and how were you going to do that and get back home.  i knew when you were saying this to me at the mall on friday, that you weren't coming (again.)  i could even smell the schnapps on you breath (at a mall in the afternoon?!?) you had all f this time when we could've all been together as a family and you decided to climb into a bottle instead.  i can't judge you, but i want you to see the effect that drinking had on me this past weekend.  we are all older now.  we are all in our respected positions in life.  we all have the ability to achieve and to make the best out of our situations.  please get out of your rut.  please remember that all of us are counting on you and that you have a place in this world with us, your job and mostly to your self.  the time has come to let any past indiscretion go away and be left to childhood innocence.  and if hargis and i could do it, SO CAN YOU.  it's not a bad thing once you've gotten past the kicking and screaming part of the first two months.  then you see.  you see the folly, the weakness and the utter insanity are the only things that addiction can give to you.  and guess what friend:  it wants to take more and more of you without giving as much back after a while.  don't be the one who turns around one day and wonders where everything and everyone went.  the bottle will still be there, but guess what: it won...

90 Days and counting...

...yes: 90 days without drinking on this day, november 9 2012. how am i going to celebrate this personal milestone in my life? i would like a cheeseburger and fries and a coke.
the beginning seems like an eon ago. i acted like a baby that lost it's bottle. the reality is that it didn't feel good anymore. i was drinking because it was what i was used to. problems started compounding and a lot of ghosts from my past were plaguing me and i was sick of burning the (ahem) candle at both ends. i became sober with the help of a professional therapist, the AA big book (i still haven't stepped foot into a meeting) my family and two co workers whom are sober as well. I am in no way cured nor am i at risk of a relapse. how? I think my way through the drinking experience. i think about getting way too drunk way too quickly. i think about waking up still drunk. i think about having to piece together my morning when all i want to do is pass out, and it doesn't at all add up. it is not worth it and it is not worth flirting with the idea of trying to regulate or ration my alcohol usage.
Now comes the part that is more difficult: what do i do with all of this? That is what the next ninety days will be about for me. I instituted a change in my self and have become aware of who i am and what that means. Now i have to work on a plan to begin the rest of my and my families life, and to grow into my new role.
In conclusion of this rant, i cannot express enough gratitude to my family for helping me to see that i am a good person who wants to do good things, and that having a little faith in things instead of always seeing the bad side, really helps a tremendous amount.
'The sleeper has awakened.'

Have a seat!

Did you vote? Good. You honored the people who sacrifice their time and lives in order to keep this democracy alive. I am no politico, and i am a very independent person, but i have to say, that seeing the turn out for this years election was amazing. It really showed that people care that this country is still for and by the people. We honored those whom are in the military by voting. We showed that our votes do matter and that we are one country. As long as you voted. If you didn't, then you don't get to complain when things don't go your way. It's as simple as that. It's not an exclusive club. Membership is guaranteed at birth in this country. So, wherever we go from here, however we do it, last yesterday was an example of democracy in action. So, have a seat and enjoy the ride.

Almost there.

Welp, i am fast approaching the 90day mark without a drink. I am looking forward to having a nice day of work and may buy something for my self as an reward. 90 days is an earmark for a lot of alcoholics. It show that we have weathered the storm of quitting drinking and are far enough into it to take it seriously. I went through an amazing amount of mental and physical pain over the past three months, but every day that went by things became better and more clear. I even have had the chance to make some artistic leaps with video and
music. Nothing groundbreaking but it sure made me feel good about my self. So i will continue to count the days and will be grateful for what i have as i reconnect with my place in the world. I may even make it out to do something social, as those anxieties have abated as well!
Ok, off to see the therapist for what i hope is the last time...