helpless.

do you know what really sucks?
it's when someone is down or sliding down a dark path and you cannot do anything about it because of proximity and because of the rule.
what is the rule?
that in a situation like the one i'm in now, having someone control your addictive behavior and try to cure you will not do a damn thing, compared to the person helping themselves and re learning to stand on their own two feet.
it's called empowerment.
it is the driving force and the reason that i am drinking key lime seltzer right now and not ale and whiskey.
the fact that the person in this world that i grew up with almost died and i can't do anything about it, is killing me inside.
the fact that when i talked to him and told him that he should listen to EVERYTHING the doctor's are telling him to do and he was more worried about getting back to work-is killing me.  the fact that  i talked to what seemed like the shell of a man instead of the person i've known and loved my whole life took so much out of me today.
it hasn't been confirmed as to weather his passing out and subsequent seizures were a result of drinking or exhaustion or diet or whatever.
i am not going to pry.  i wrote in my 'empty nest' entry about his last visit and how the booze distanced him from me and the rest of the family, so i'm leaning in the direction of alcohol abuse. BUT I CANNOT DO A THING ABOUT IT.
only he can change who he is.
putting pressure on him will only make things worse.
being sober is a very fickle beast to try and tame.  you are taking a large amount of time being numb and feeling nothing and BAM! it all gets shut down in a day.  the ride is over...now what? this is soul crushing and only the mentally prepared and those who are willing to commit can survive.  how did i do it?  my family. my home.  having this little one around who listens and watches everything i do and say.  i want to be a good example for her and i want to try to make my relationship work and grow with Terri.
i gave up a lot to even be sitting here writing this out.  that feeling that i needed to have every night was replaced by curiosity and pulling in the reins on my crazy thought process.  also letting go of all of these anxieties that when put aside and dropped, weren't mine to carry in the first place.
i found out where i belong and i have a new sense of purpose because of the fact that another life depends upon my actions and the decisions i make now effect more than my self.  very, very powerful stuff when you think about it.
please, if you know my brother, think of him today for a moment.  he's still carrying a heavy load and it broke him.

if there is anyone who deserves a pass, it's him.