Terri and I spent the past weekend watching movies and bad television. i almost played my bass...but ended up in a 'Throwback' Mountain Dew coma...I blacked out on the stuff and ended up washing the dog, making spaghetti and vacuuming the house.
I was out of control.
We also ate the most wonderful meal at Sitar in Springfield, Massachusetts. Great Indian food, the best!
Here' the movie round up:
Movie/comment: 'The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest'(Pictured)/excellent third movie and great conclusion (?) to the story.
MacGruber/Oh, I get it.
Sisters/ fucked up ex-conjoined twins love triangle.
Most of Taxi Driver/do I even have to say anything?
Now, I am waiting to make chicken soft tacos for lunch and Terri is buying for Faces in NYC today. i am jealous of her ability to travel for her job as i have been anchored to the same grey, dull warehouse for the past three years.
I am going to leave you with some tidbits from my journal I've been writing since 2007. Have a good day.
Just nabbed this quote by Clive Barker from an interview:
"Repression can be a form of self-sacrifice. We all have our own personal experiences that gnaw at the backs of our minds with flickering tongues, but the trick is finding out how to silence them."
Basically, we all have this mechanism in our selves that I think is the trigger for the ‘fight or flight’ response. This quote is a prime example of how to put self doubt into the back of your head and get on with what you need to be doing or thinking of at the time.
I am a card carrying member of the self doubt club. I will say though that the more I squash down this doubt and carry on with my chin up, the less these evil worms burrow through my confidence.
I think that Clive really nailed it on this one.
All of the anguish and pain that I suffer unto myself on a daily basis-the need to maintain a balance in my head, the constant need of the outside world’s demands on all of my senses, and the loneliness I constantly feel even with friends around-compounds into a lot of frustration and energy drain.
So I go for a walk.
This clears the old noggin and lets me focus on other things besides my problems. There is nothing like a bit of exploration to get ones mind off ones mind.
These lyrics from the band Rites of Spring, song ‘End on End’ are right in there with how I feel today:
I’ve had days of end on end
Where nothing changed cause nothing began.
Restless movement in an empty room,
Gathering shadows of a darkened blue.
And oh- it feels so strange- when it comes again.
Cycles of end on end, edges begin to blend, time
Following time, a pattern becomes defined.
I had a feeling from end to end.
Tried to catch it before it started again.
Pushed it away to force a laugh,
But inside I didn’t have the breath.
And oh-it feels so strange ? when it comes again.
But I’ve got it now,
I’ve got the rhythm down.
Cycles of end on end.
But if one wave stops, another begins.
End on end on end on end on end on end on end on end on
end on end on end on end on end on end on end on
end.
This song has meaning because sometimes the days of work/home/work bleed together and won’t relent.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
And the only way I can break this endless knot is by creating and making things, writing and making music. These things literally stop time.
Don’t believe it? Try it.
'Politics are for people with nothing better to do with their lives.'
It’s not fair right now for me to waste any words with anyone and to just get straight to the fucking point.
I keep hearing excuses from everyone around me.
Long winded wastes of time drawing from and coming to the same conclusion. I can still hold on to my point even when I’m drunk. Seeing these people make excuse after excuse and back track because they ‘don’t want to offend’ or ‘have their place in things and don’t want to rock the boat’ is kind of wearing on me in a big way. Get to the point? No, Get to the point!
Challenge those around you to do better. Don’t settle for the comfortable way around. Plow through the damn thing-whatever it is- and gain some strength, knowledge.
Don’t just let me plow over you and expect me to hold my hand back or slow down so you can catch up with me because it won’t be there. Sorry, I’ve done the ‘remain stationary’ thing for far too long to care to go back. It made me fat physically and passive mentally.
I am just starting to regain my strength and want to follow through this time.
I will shed the weakness around me as quickly as I shed these pounds around my waist. I will shed all the useless words and thoughts until I become ready for anything and happy to face the challenge.
Complaints?
You won’t hear any from me. If you do, it’s because I am not going to let my shield down for one minute and let the weak in.
The weak.
They know they are weak. They want everyone else to fall in line with their weak, lazy asses because they are afraid they will have to accomplish something.
Fuck you and your weakness. Fuck you and your petty little psyche games that you pawn off on everyone like you are some kind of shit dealer.
I don’t want to hear it at work either. Just do the fucking job. It’s not that hard and the longer you have been doing said job, the easier it’s supposed to get.
We’ve been maxing out at around 50 hours a week for months now and you still complain that it’s not fair.
You know what’s not fair? The fucking unemployment line. Cancer. Tsunamis. Katrina. That is unfair. The fact that you are socking away all this loot while someone with a fucking B.A. is flipping cheeseburgers. That’s not fair.
So shut up, be a man and take it. No one has room for your fake ass male bravado and your cheap shots at things you don’t understand and are actually afraid of.
‘The responsibility of the artist is to transcend the human ego.’ Hubert Selby Jr.
That should do for now...
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